Space Station 11

Flag update

2012-02-17T14:02:00.002-06:00

Minnesota flag is going into storage, probably until I get out to the west coast...but it shall return...

More rules for the ER

2012-02-14T10:04:00.004-06:00

OK this is an unimaginative post with no pictures and clearly to the wrong target audience. Nevertheless, Space Station 11 is going to be my forum to vent, just a little bit, regarding my job, which can be maddeningly frustrating sometimes. Because of the patients, you see. And it's always the overinsured, specialist-having type.

The patient that nearly drove me to quit, during last night's shift, was an obese white 38 y/o woman. History of 'gastritis', for which she sees a GI doc (red flag...you don't need to see a specialist for such a benign entity...hence, her overexposure to medical opinion). Also a history of 'back problems' (another red flag), s/p back surgery in the past (red flags waving furiously). She came into the ED having already seen her regular doctor that day for nonspecific abdominal pain x 2 weeks. He (appropriately) ordered a bunch of lab tests and a CT scan to be performed on an OUTPATIENT basis. Well. She decided instead to come into my ER, with those same order forms, wanting to get this work done RIGHT AWAY. And you know what? Even though I didn't have to, I did it anyway- I ordered the tests, even the CT, we kept her in the ED for about 3 hours to get all of this done. And it was ALL NORMAL.

Now- I'm not saying this woman was not having pain. I'm not saying there was/is nothing wrong. I had the same conversation with this woman, at the end of the ED visit, regarding her symptoms, that I have with so many patients, every shift: "There are 100 different things that can cause the symptoms you have, but I only care about 2 or 3 of them, because they could kill or seriously harm you in the next few days. You do not have those 2 or 3 things. The other 97 things are not my job to figure out". Because I work in the EMERGENCY department. We are not a one-stop shop for every ache, pain, and inconvenience, though we are certainly treated as such, especially by overinsured patients with a gratingly irritating sense of entitlement.

Anyway...her tests were negative, and I told her we were sending her home. She was not pleased. She wanted to be admitted to the hospital for more tests. I told her there was no medical reason for me to admit her and I would not do it. I was very polite, but firm, ultimately having to tell her "Listen, we can have this conversation all night, but I'm not admitting you".

So- here are some quick guidelines for what NOT to do when in the emergency department. This woman broke every single one of these.

- Do NOT demand tests / admission to the hospital simply because 'that's what I want'. The ER is not a restaurant...you do not get to order whatever you want simply because it is available, on the menu, so to speak. You come in with a complaint, we perform the tests we feel are medically necessary. There is no negotiation there.

- Do NOT demand a second opinion at the same hospital. There isn't an ER doc on the planet who is going to defer to his colleague's opinion simply because you aren't satisfied. That is a great way to destroy the doctor:patient relationship. If you want another opinion, call your doctor or go to another ER.

- Do NOT demand to speak to my superior, and when I inform you that in fact I am the doctor in charge of the ER this evening, do NOT suggest that I have an 'ego problem'. Fact is, there is nobody above me in the ER. I report to the CEO of the hospital, who is not around at 9:30 PM. The ER is not like some customer 1-800 hotline where you get to go up the chain if you are dissatisfied.

- Do NOT say ignorant and ridiculous things like "I know my body". Sure, OK, you are familiar with a variety of symptoms that you experience on a daily basis. But you are not a medical professional, you do not understand physiology, you cannot interpret medical tests, you are not equipped to make medical decisions. God I hate it when people say that. It's the same thing as me going into a mechanic's office and saying "I disagree with you about my car, I mean I have been driving it for 10 years, I know my car". That mechanic may have only spent 20 minutes under the hood but he knows infinitely more about the working of automobiles than I ever will. So it goes with medicine.

- In a similar fashion, do NOT accuse me of thinking that you are 'stupid'. Though in reality, from a medical education position, yes you ARE 'stupid', but I do not expect you to be educated as such. Accusing me of such things only makes me think that you are an unreasonable person.

- Do NOT threaten to sue me. What possible gain will come of that? I'm not going to shit myself in fear just because you throw the specter of legal action into the air. I have been threatened with lawsuits so many times in the ER, and have been sued precisely zero times. So don't embarrass yourself.

- Do NOT say things like "I know there is something wrong because I never complain / go the the ER / have a high pain tolerance". Saying things like that, oh man, it gives the exact OPPOSITE impression to the ED staff. ER doctors and nurses, when we hear things like "Oh, I never complain, I have a very high tolerance for pain"...our FIRST impression is, this person has absolutely no coping skill nor any tolerance for discomfort.

- Do NOT suggest that it has anything to do with money, e.g. "You have to admit me...I'll pay for it". Oh, it does not work that way. We have the luxury in the ED of not giving a FUCK about your ability to pay. It makes absolutely no difference to me. I feel EXACTLY the same way about a sick/not sick homeless person as I would a multimillionaire. Jesus.

- Do NOT say things like "Well, I'm NOT leaving". Because I absolutely WILL call security to escort you out of the the hospital, and I don't care how much insurance you have.

Anyway...enough ranting. I just get tired of treating the fragile f**king snowflakes we have created in society, with no coping skills for the slightest degree of pain or discomfort, who need a test or pill or diagnosis for every single somatic symptom that doesn't correlate with perfect health, and have cultivated a completely unfounded and undeserved sense that they deserve as much medical opinion and testing that money can buy simply because they have insurance. It doesn't work that way in the ED.

OK. Sorry.

Girbauds, Anyone?

2012-02-12T19:33:00.000-06:00

Little Non-Descript Longfellow Upper Duplex of Horrors

2012-02-09T14:29:00.007-06:00

Hey everybody, I need to re-pot several plants that I acquired from Shannon before he moved to Puerto Rico. I have no experience with this kind of thing; where do I go for pots; how big should the pots be for each plant; how much dirt should I buy; how do I not kill the plants in the process?

As you can see, this one needs re-pottin.' I was helping Shannon pack some stuff up a few weeks ago and noticed a plant ALMOST AS TALL AS ME in the corner of their apartment. Alarmed, thinking it was going to eat me (or my motorcycle riding dentist),* I asked him what kind of plant it was. He said "The same as that one in the green pot we just gave you." This thing's already tilting out of its pot as you can see. Beautiful plant.

This one looks okay, though I'm no expert. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's pissed.

These two in my kitchen. One on the right seems a little big for its pot, no? The Aloe plant can mind its own business for now, I don't really give a shit...but, I do. Maybe the Aloe also needs a re-pottin?

Clearly this large plant (or small tree) next to my sink is going to step out of it that little pot, walk into my bedroom while I'm sleeping, tap me on the shoulder, and when I wake up, kind of slap my face back and forth with one of its leaves several times, and then say "Hey, asshole. Try standing around all day in size 5 shoes and see how YOU feel. Re-pot my ass soon or I'll fucking DIE, and it's your ass on the line, then, YOUR ass!"

Is what it will do.

Then the impossible-to-kill spider plant in the bathroom. I think it also needs a new, larger pot.

I'd like to think that if somebody who knew what they were doing could just come over and assess the situation, maybe help me decide which pots can simply be swapped, and which ones need to be bought, that I can get through this thing.

Ma?...Adam?...

...Shannon?

#ohwaitthatfuckermovedtoPuertoRicoandnowIhavetotrynottokillhisplants

*I have no motorcycle-riding dentist. Fact is, I haven't been to the dentist since 9/11/2001.

What say you now about the beard?

2012-02-07T20:30:00.002-06:00

I like it. I'm keeping it. At least for the winter!

I'm a Big Girl Now

2012-02-07T15:50:00.003-06:00

Guys, guess what. Today I figured out how to do two different things on Facebook, and I only had to Google how to do ONE of them:

1) Change my profile picture.
2) Delete old profile pictures.

Turns out it's kind of sneaky, not as straight forward as one would think. Also, it's weird that I can't delete photos OTHERS have tagged me in, like from years ago. Maybe that's my next Jake-Figures-Out-Facebook Adventure.

Really, I'm a total dud on FB, I never update shit or change anything. I bet most 8 year old kids are better at it than I am.

Still, my new profile picture is gangster, so there's that.

Me and Heidi

2012-02-05T20:52:00.003-06:00

So nice to have a cool trainer to chillingly spar with, especially when you haven't sparred for a while and just wanna get in there and move around. She's got great head movement, great footwork, one of the tops at the gym.

See Mom? At Uppercut we're allowed to hit girls.

/justnotashardaswehitguys...

Successful Run

2012-02-05T13:57:00.004-06:00

In an effort to one day keep up with the long legs of the Valento sibs on a run, I ran half of what Bud ran today and ran in the Redondo Beach Super Bowl 10k. Although I still have a long way to go to be able to keep up with all of you, I was able to beat the guy in the bear suit which was a success in my book.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!

It was 62 degrees today in Cincinnati

2012-02-01T15:51:00.002-06:00

62 degrees. In early February.

Today I went running in shorts and a short-sleeve shirt, and I was warm.

Today I walked to the local deli in jeans and a hoodie, and I had to take the hoodie off because I was sweating. Sweating I say!

There's no sweating in February. Not in the midwest.

It's enough to make my buddy Homestar say, "What in Pete Sampras is going on around heeohhhhh??"

The record high for Cincinnati on today's date is 68 degrees. This occurred in 1989. What else happened in 1989 you ask?

January: Ted Bundy executed
February: Soviet Union withdraws from Afghanistan
March: Rain Man wins Best Picture
April: Hillsborough disaster kills 96 Liverpool fans
May: Disney-MGM Studios opens at Disney World (May 1989...so boring!)
June: Tiananmen Square massacre
July: Seinfeld premiers
August: Sega Genesis is released
September: Jake and Bud turn 11
October: News agency in Soviet Union announces a UFO landing in Voronezh
November: Deconstruction of Berlin Wall begins
December: Fox shows first full-length episode of The Simpsons

...what I'm trying to say is, it's too hot.

Die Antwoord

2012-01-31T20:44:00.005-06:00

I mean, I've always been fascinated by Die Antwoord. They're just so bizarre. I've never been able to listen to their stuff without watching the videos (not that I don't think they're talented, but this raved out insanity rap isn't really in my lane, necessarily, though their beats are so sweet), but when you do have this visual accompaniment...they're incredible! I think seeing them live would be the ticket. But they aren't coming any closer than Chicago, again.

Here are two other insane videos by Die Antwoord, off their last (debut) album:

By the way, the African guy's lyrics translate really weirdly. There's an interesting story behind this song that involves African men of his tribe being taken (as adults) to the brush and forcibly circumsized. When I read about this video (it came out a while ago), I realized it's not like a homophobic rant or anything, once I understood the story.

Again, the music's fascinating, if not borderline aggravating, but the visuals and art direction of the video? Insane. So well done. Here's one more:

Licensing Fees are Due...

2012-01-30T18:18:00.002-06:00

Did anyone of you sibs sign off on this? No? WTF...

Are they using a "special recipe" for their sauce? Where do they get their ingredients? I CAN'T BELIEVE you guys didn't put this MOFO out of business for using your NAME without using your REQUIREMENTS.

On the other hand, Anna & I will be stopping by this new establishment in southern Florida in early March, we will report back whether to begin the nuclear war plan A, or to go with plan B, and do nothing but eat their food when we are in town.

Stay tuned...

Upcoming Movies

2012-01-29T15:42:00.007-06:00

Some interesting stuff coming up, some low-budget and indie, some mainstream; which of them are we seeing?

Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

Pursuit of Loneliness

28 Hotel Rooms

Price Check

Jeff Who Lives At Home

Haywire

Declaration of War

After Fall, Winter

El Sicario, Room 164

Moonrise Kingdom

Detachment

Thin Ice

In Darkness

Some Random Pictures From Phoenix

2012-01-28T14:23:00.005-06:00

Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix. Well, and Tempe and Scottsdale, too, but they are all basically the same. I can't reiterate enough how similar to L.A. this place felt (ugly strip malls everywhere, sprawl, a total driving city...basically my idea of hell), only at least L.A. has some interesting cool stuff happening there. Phoenix is just very boring. Lotta Republicans. Lot of shiny new cars. Lot of big box crappy retail. Did I mention the strip malls?

But the people - across the board - were all weirdly, amazingly nice. I mean, genuinely nice. They make Minnesota Nice seem so passive aggressive. And you can't argue with 70 and sunny every day in mid January. Though everybody there says the summers are HELL on earth.

Here is Paul shooting something at this Frank Lloyd Wright museum out in the desert.

The P.A. (production assistant, basically the "bitch" of the production, just there to run errands and go grab shit for people) whose name was Morgan. She was a very Southern California type girl, but we got along great. She's has an interesting story, this one.

Here's a photo of us shooting some (very, very, very lame) videos in front of a green screen one day. That was such a boring day because the camera was hooked up to a teleprompter (in front of me), and so it was locked down on a tri-pod the whole time and basically I had nothing to do but push "record." But I helped Paul set up additional angles when there was time.

I told Paul to act like a director one day when we were pulled over getting scenic shots. He was standing on the minivan.

Paul in front of a really cool vintage motorcycle in some parking lot.

Our wardrobe gal Suzan (don't have a picture of her, somehow) wrapped a scarf around my head/neck one day. This is my new favorite way of keeping the sun off! Because they aren't hot like hats, they are actually really comfortable. This was Thursday, a total clusterfuck of a day. Ask me about Thursday sometime.

Here's another scarf. I kept both. They will be in my "outdoor, hot-weather, sunny conditions shooting kit" from now on.

Me and Morgan.

Paul and I eating soup in this amazing restaurant called True Food. The food in Phoenix was only okay. We had Mexican in 3 different places (all recommendations by locals) and it was never great. Just basic American Mexican. But True Food was like the Birchwood Cafe if Steve Jobs re-imagined it. I could have eaten there every meal, every day. It was heaven, and right by the hotel, so we ate there several times.

Bud I had to include this picture from the flight home last night. US Airways. Lotta legroom, right? Also, I got one of those U-shaped neck pillow thingies for flying (because the flight over to Phoenix was hell, as usual, for me, physically), and they do work somewhat. They improve the uncomfortable factor by about 50%.

Guh, so tired, doing nothing but sitting around today. It's gonna take me a few days to recover from so many consecutive nights of 5 hrs sleep...

p.s. something I forgot to tell about in my iphone post: I was sitting there at the little station at Best Buy getting all sorted out, and they guy helping me (from Iowa - nobody there is from Phoenix, I swear) looks over at my crummy old cell phone and says "Man, I haven't seen one like that in ages." Immediately after he says this, this old guy walks up and goes, "Do you have a battery for this cell phone?" And my guy goes "Oh, wow. I can't believe it." I look up, and the old guy (also insanely nice and friendly, also originally from Minnesota!) is holding my exact same phone. I'm like "You can have mine, man!" So, once it was all said and done, I gave him my battery, which he was thrilled about. So fucking random. I was in a hurry or I would have gotten a picture of us, kicking myself for not thinking about it.

2012 Siblings Trip

2012-01-25T21:31:00.002-06:00

Now that we have a friend and contact in Puerto Rico with Shannon departing today, this might be a great idea for the destination of this siblings trip that I keep hearing about. Cheap, no passport required, new culture, beach, rain forest. Thoughts?

Delta FAIL

2012-01-24T09:52:00.004-06:00

Here's how much 'leg room' I was provided on a recent flight from Miami to Cincinnati:

Seriously, I could not move my legs. They were jammed against the seat in front of me. Dave, there is simply no way you could have fit into this seat. Well, not without lifting your legs up and having your feet dangle off the floor. I was flying on a Delta MD88 in seat 27B...according to Seat Expert, this particular seat was 'average' for this plane. I have no idea what a 'below average' seat would entail! I can confirm, per the seating chart, that the row in front of me was definitely 'above average' as it was an exit row. Didn't stop every person in that row from leaning their seats back anyway. (writer's comment: if there is a tall person sitting behind you on a plane, please don't lean your seat back. It makes the (already uncomfortable) ride significantly worse for that person. Please).

Delta had also 'updated' the left hand armrest (i.e. between window and middle seat):

Awesome. Yes, that is yellow packing tape.

The best part of the flight, though, was the woman sitting in the aisle seat. She actually was very quiet and slim. BUT. She purchased some food from the flight attendant and guess what she bought:

CANNED CHICKEN SALAD!!

Do you have any idea how cloying, how sickly-sweet, how nauseating this stuff smells. There was no way to escape because of my position.

Coach to Cincinnati- the only way to fly!

But I have a beard

2012-01-23T07:57:00.003-06:00

Yep. I am joining the ranks of Jerry (most of the time), Dave, and Jake (? some of the time) and going beardo for the winter. Possible reasons for this include:

1. I like it
2. The girl I am seeing likes it
3. Continuity with blog title

It's probably mostly #2, fine. But I do like it. Dave- any suggestions on a good trimmer? I'd like one that can get it pretty short if I want it that way, you know, the 'haven't-shaved-in-4-days' look. That kind of short. Dave.

/not an alien

Desk

2012-01-22T11:00:00.012-06:00

I don't have a junk drawer. I don't have a gym. I don't really have anything fun to picture blog post about. I do have a desk/cubicle at work. For the next 5 minutes, we explore the world of my desk/cubicle at work.

Nalgene bottle. What magical elixir does it hold? Water from the Fountain of Youth? Water from the magical river Styx? Water from the Culligan water cooler in the break room? If you guessed either of the first two, you are dumb. This nalgene holds hundreds of milliliters of water from the Culligan water cooler in the break room.

Phone. I never use it. If I were to use it, I would be pleased to know it comes with HD voice, which is awesome. You guys don't even know.

Stapler. We go by initials at work (thus, me, DRV). I mark my belongings with my initials because when in need, people steal supplies from desks all the time. They are jerks. By marking my own supplies, I can track down the thief. By marking my own supplies and showing them my position, they are warded away before the theft can occur. I am smart.

Tape dispenser. See above. See also: The Matrix.

Calculator. I use this all the time to do calculations, which is remarkable because that is exactly what it is designed to do. It is also bigger than my hand, which is hilarious. I will be stealing this.

Set up. Two monitors, one keyboard, one mouse, one mouse pad. Jealous?

A former attorney made this flag for my department many moons ago. It still flies today.

The thing on the left came from a Kinder Egg. The thing on the right dispenses brown jelly beans through it's anus.

Printer. I have the nicest printer in the office, definitely the most expensive. It's because I am King (or The One, you choose).

Lamp. This is what lights my cubicle for the first two hours of the day, as I get to the office two hours before the goddamn sun rises. Side note: when it's winter and you see the sun set or rise, do you ever think of the final scene in Sunshine? I do.

Plastic Sword. Purchased for me several years ago when I brought some girl to the Circus (great date idea, truthfully). I threaten people with it constantly.

Picture. The one picture I have hanging at my desk. It is of the Jewel meat department manager and I, after I received a gift card for being employee of the month. I love this picture.

West view

North View (I have a corner cubicle, seriously are you jealous yet?)

Some award I won (second year in a row: baller). When I was taking pictures for this blog post, I realized that this piece of cardboard was still in my possession. As you are reading this blog post, that piece of cardboard is being recycled into another piece of cardboard for another award for some other chump.

A typical day at work:

Look at me! So happy as I type away!

Hey Mr. Attorney! What can I do you for?

Ah man! He gave me more work! What a jerk!

Shit bitch. I finished that mofo's work in record time, because I'm balla. And the King. And The One.

And I'm out.

Welcome To the Darkside, Me.

2012-01-20T22:20:00.002-06:00

This is a picture of me in Arizona...taken with...my iphone.

Guh. Took the plunge today. Joined SPRINT (79 bucks a month for unlimited texting and data). Got an iphone 4. It was only 99 bucks.

You know, I actually HAD to do this. Because we've been getting so fucking lost in Phoenix (terrible, terrible, terrible city, just awful), and neither Paul nor our producer Amy has gps on their phone. The minute I started driving us around today the iphone "maps" app always got us where we needed to go. I'm writing this purchase off in my taxes for sure, this was a work-related expense.

But, anyway, I have a smart phone finally. And it's going to take me a while to figure it out and find the cool apps and all that.

Leave me suggestions for apps (especially free ones) and other iphone shortcuts/advice in your comments.

I'll try to continue to update about Phoenix (awful, horrible place), and I'll certainly do an iphone follow up post soon.

Ta.

p.s. It is 69 degrees, that's been nice I s'pose...

Phoenix

2012-01-18T10:13:00.004-06:00

Hi there. Just found out Monday afternoon that I leave for Phoenix on Thursday morning (tomorrow at like 5:30am) with Paul for a project.

Supposed to be below zero here when we leave but high 60's there. Hm.

Yeah, 8 days, out of nowhere. Kind of a bummer because my time with Shannon (moves on the 25th) has become even more abbreviated, tonight's the last time I'll see him in god knows how long.

But good to have a project, good to have work. Hopefully it leads to further projects, because I've learned the hard way that this contract lifestyle is only worth it if you're constantly working, otherwise these little one-off projects are the kiss of death; as in, I have the gub'ment's fist up my butt for the next several years due to a bad year last year...

I'll try to blog from Phoenix. The project's not that interesting, it's no Converse shoot, that's for sure, but work is work.

Phoenix, guys.

Phoenix.

Junk Drawer!

2012-01-17T12:33:00.016-06:00

I'm not all that proud of our "junk drawer", it's really not that junky. I used to have CRAZY EPIC junk drawers when I lived on my own, post-college, pre-Adam. You can draw your own conclusions there. But oh, the junk I used to drawer. Would've made for a great post. But I grabbed a few random items so play along and let's get on with it.

Oh - let me preface this by saying I'm home sick which is why I look like a frail sickly blogger.

This first picture is me trying to figure out how to work the camera. It works!

First up...

Adam was JUST looking for these bottom-of-the-chair-leg-carpet-pads-so-as-not-to-scuff-your-floor things! These things fall off all the time - usually right before you move the chair and scuff the shit out of your floor - and for how easy of a job they have, they actually do a terrible job. I mean how hard is it to just stick to something?! Just STICK! I could do that job ALL DAY LONG. FUCK YOU, BOTTOM-OF-THE-CH-ok wow, sorry. I knew this junk drawer post was going to stir up some emotions.

NSFW! Let me just say, this isn't what you think. Ok well, yes, it IS a nude playing card box featuring a picture of a naked man holding a baby elephant trunk with a sign over it that says "big guy".

But inside is a deck of cards featuring old-time country music crooners. These are my 3 favorite cards. As you can imagine, it was difficult to pick just 3. It's also difficult to pull off the word "crooners" in a blog post, but I'm pretty sure I just did it.

There's actually a great story behind these cards so I have to keep them. Please see Adam for the great story.

I admit I'm a total jerk for making jest of this old-school iphone..in fact I think someone might even punch me in the face for referring to any iphone as "old-school." But for real, this thing looks so huge and clunky to me now (even though it's barely bigger than the one I have now).

You know what this almost reminds me of?? Bud's old cell phone! For those of you who don't remember it, here's a picture:

Bud, stop denying it.

It seems wasteful to put an iphone in the garbage. Right now as I type this it's sitting on my old apple laptop that makes a frightening noise when you try to turn it on, like it's about to a'splode. And then it doesn't turn on. These things would be pure gold to hoarders! So I'm keeping them in case I can sell them to a hoarder one day.

Next up is a stuffed baby moose. He belongs to Adam's stuffed adult moose that Adam uses as a reading pillow at night, AWWWW. River apparently got ahold of this poor thing because he's missing a leg and an antler. And both eyes. I don't have the heart to put him down. He's got the heart of a champion!

Keeper.

SOMEBODY is obsessed with their alma mater...I mean seriously? This is like ordering those fancy checks with cartoons and designs on them. You actually pay extra money for something like this. What is this key even for? I'm guessing not even Adam knows. But I can't throw it away. Someone spent EXTRA MONEY on it.

So that pretty much concludes the junk drawer section of this post. I did find another item that I badly wanted to include but even though it's really not THAT bad, I'd probably be looked at questionably if an employer saw this. Even though the item is not mine. And even though I haven't smoked said item in years.

In conclusion, here's a picture from a few weeks ago of us with River - I can't stand how cute Riv looks.

And here's a picture of a us on a very scenic hike, I think at Mount Rushmore.

Baby Rosalie

2012-01-16T10:15:00.004-06:00

Schneweis's baby Rosalie. She's awesome!

With this in mind, you can also read a pretty funny and insightful blog Schneweis has going about his (mis)adventures as a new parent: Scott and the Tiny Human

So will this be any good, do you think?

2012-01-13T11:16:00.003-06:00

Moonrise Kingdom

The latest Wed Anderson film looks like everything Wes, but with more kids...cute, funny, witty, huge cast (Ed Norton, Bruce Willis, Bill Murray (of course), Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Jason Schwartzman). I'll see it.

I will be very much out of contact until January 22. Leaving for Miami TODAY. Leaving then for Haiti TOMORROW.

Junk Drawer!

2012-01-11T13:19:00.006-06:00

Today I went through the top middle drawer of my desk, which is a classic 'junk drawer,' full of trinkets and random objects and paper clips, the kind of drawer that as a kid was akin to a full blown treasure chest (much like the Miss Shields' desk drawer in A Christmas Story, which I could NOT find a picture of online).

Here is me with some of the random objects and what I am going to do with them:

Deck of cards that I bought at the Heineken Factory in Amsterdam when I was 20? Hell yeah, I'm keeping these gangsters. They've been everywhere with me, still use 'em.

This small stainless steel (?) piano clock thing. I don't remember when I got this (Dave thinks Dad got them for us at some point?), but it's never worked and has been in my drawer ever since. I'm not sure what to do with this one, it doesn't take up much space in the old junk drawer.

This is the lipstick container, with a mirror, that has 5 dice in it. I bought this in Midway while wandering around one morning to kill time before my Amtrak train left for Chicago (to go see Dave, Shlomi, and Liars). Those 5 dice fit in there perfectly! Keepin' it!

These are some laminated religious cards (playing cards? trading cards?) that I believe I've gathered over the years at various Valento funerals. I think I'll keep them in the drawer just as a reminder of where I came from. They're very religious. Interesting.

This is a burgundy leather wallet-on-a-chain that has been around since the mid-90's. I had this for a while in high school and then Dave had it for years and years. He gave it back to me a few years ago and it's been in my desk strictly because of the nostalgic value it has. But when I was chatting with Dave earlier, he made a good point: "If you start to keep around every little piece of junk that has sentimental value, you'll end up having a cluttered house like Dad's."

I'm giving it to Goodwill.

A laminated booklet filled with various charts and lists of LATIN nouns and verbs and other various language tips?? WTF? Garbage!

Not one but TWO zippos. The one on the right that says "Fire!" is from Weston, and he gave it to me while I was in Vancouer. The other one has my name engraved on it and also "Merry Christmas, M" engraved. Don't remember who "M" is, but I'm keeping these. Why not?

Oh, my darts. Weston and I played a lot of darts in college, and I continued to play quite a bit in Vancouver. He bought me these darts, but as you can see they no longer have tips or wings. Wings are easy enough to replace, but I'm not sure I'd replace the tips without just replacing the darts altogether. I think they are garbage, sadly.

A bunch of John Deere coasters? Garbage. I never use coasters.

This is the headlamp that Mom bought me before I ran the Edmund Fitzgerald in 2006. I'm keeping it! Never know when I'll go spelunking...

Junk drawer = cleaned.

Gym

2012-01-10T11:21:00.004-06:00

A few months ago I set up a gym in my garage. The boxing gym here in Cincinnati is not bad (it's no Uppercut) but they only have boxing sessions 4 nights a week, usually around 6 pm. Most of my shifts are evening hours (e.g. 2p-10p). As such I can hardly ever make it. AS SUCH, I decided to use my garage for something (my driveway is too narrow to get the Jeep back there).

Gotta have a heavy bag in any boxing gym. This is a medium-weight leather Ringside bag...it will last a lifetime. Easily installed into an overhead rafter with a U-bracket.

Speed bag. You can see the vertical mount I had to use because the only place to install it was that exposed plank. Unfortunately such a mount leaves it prone to shake side to side, considerably, during use. When I move hopefully I can find a nice horizontal mount.

Pullup bar. One of the support screws sheared off when I opened the garage door one day...which was pretty impressive. There are still three lag screws holding it up so it should be fine, but I do think about that screw snapped in half every time I use this...

Ab mat. Enough said.

Gotta light the garage during the late afternoons/evenings. You can see those bulbs hanging in the background but they only provide light to about 25% of the garage. So I got this industrial halogen lamp.

I
I love this thing. It is a propane-powered forced air heater and it heats the garage FAST. Only problem is that it's pretty damn loud and I've been having trouble screwing my new propane cylinder into the regulator. But it works really well to heat the garage in the winter (space heaters just were not getting the job done).

This is a lawn mower. A friend gave it to me but it does not work. Nor does it contribute to my workouts in any way. Yet there it sits.

Oh, you mean this gate key?

2012-01-08T05:10:00.001-06:00

Used it on my face after I 'fell' at that wedding a few months ago...let me get you some Dermabond, Jake, it works much better.

New-Skin

2012-01-07T21:54:00.002-06:00

Heard of this shit called New-Skin?

I gashed the everliving SHIT out of my left middle finger yesterday chopping carrots (the first of about 7 ingredients I was chopping, so I had to finish chopping/cooking all bleeding and gimpily), and it basically looks like I almost cut my entire finger tip off. So, it eventually stopped bleeding during the afternoon when I just sat quietly and still on the couch not using the finger, but as soon as I decided to "do" something, anything, it started bleeding again. Turns out your finger tips are involved in pretty much everything you do, all day long, for all time.

At boxing (after wrapping the hell out of it) it bled, and a couple folks there said to try this New-Skin stuff. I stopped at Target on the way home and bought some (just under 6 bucks) along with a basic first aid kit - I have nothing here, as I learned yesterday when I went into the bathroom to look for a simple band-aid, a simple piece of gauze, and found not a thing.

Well let me tell you 3 things about New-Skin:

1) It burns! It has alcohol in it, so it's like this gooey alcoholic glue that you brush onto the cut, and it kind of seals over it and prevents it from getting infected, etc. But it really burns at first.

2) It works great!

3) The cap, which is attached to the brush that hangs inside (exactly like white-out) is super cheap, and will shatter the 4th time you use your 6 dollar New-Skin, leaving you standing there in the Electric Fetus break room with a useless broken bottle of New-Skin, which you begrudgingly have to replace on the way home because your finger started bleeding again after several hours without New-Skin.

So, to re-cap: it's 6 bucks, it works great even though it burns, and the cap is super cheap and will shatter in your hands.

That is all.

OK it is DONE

2012-01-06T13:45:00.002-06:00

OK sibs. I have a Dropbox account so NOW WHAT JAKE? I don't really know how to proceed. Jake- do you have an account? Adam? Dave? Someone please explain it to me because I'm confused. Does Jake put some music into his Dropbox and I can just go get it?

Dave / Adam- if YOU have Dropbox (and you should, because it is free (for 2 GB account)), I NEED the latest 'Battles' album (Gloss Drop), I lost it somewhere! Anna...I would ask you but I doubt that you are a Battles girl...feel free to Dropbox some River pics.

Amy- if YOU have Dropbox, please upload all of Landon Donovan's personal information to aid in my smear campaign. Thanks.

Dropbox.

Who in the world is the target demographic for this product / ad ?

2012-01-04T15:03:00.005-06:00

/ sorry, the blog keeps making me post the video twice.

I admit it- I probably don't understand the motivations behind advertising. We've all seen countless commercials on TV that are ridiculously stupid, offensive, disheartening reflections of society, etc etc. I believe that the true 'goal' of any ad is simply to put the idea of a product in your head for later recall. Whether you have a positive or negative immediate reaction to the ad is probably negligible...the point is that you had SOME reaction, and your product / brand awareness was accordingly affected.

ANYWAY.

This ad for 'Dr. Pepper 10', I don't get it.

Start with the lead character- the perfect role model for the middle-aged male with identity issues. Remember that the media has largely, and successfully, created a crisis of manhood in this country- we are repeatedly beat over the head with suggestions that men are no longer masculine enough, tough enough, brave enough, are too sensitive, too willing to share or show emotion. Hence the regrettable explosion of phrases like 'man cave', 'man card', etc...some external validation that manliness is defined by sweat, sports, violence, and boob-ogling.

The premise of the commercial is a male character in a male-oriented movie created only for men- hence the guns, lasers, punching snakes, etc. This is what appeals to men. "Because this is our movie...and Dr. Pepper 10 is our soda".

The contradiction here is already apparent. We're being told that women need not pay attention because this- running through the woods, shooting at stuff- is for men. It is Manly. Yet the key distinction between this product and ordinary Dr. Pepper (apparently fine for women) is that it only has 10 calories. Ahem, make that 10 Manly Calories. 10 Manlories.

Why in the world would manly men care about calories? In a SODA, no less? The Manly Man has no time for such caloric nonsense...he has enemies to vanquish! But nay...according to the ad, this is "what guys want...like this!" (/manly crushing of can and then throwing can into contraption, setting off trap that nets 3 motorcycling bad guys)

The tagline- "Dr. Pepper 10- It's Not For Women!"- is redundant, and I fail to grasp its purpose- is the ad actively trying to eliminate 1/2 of the potential market? Is it a subtle suggestion that unmanly men need not drink it?

Ultimately the ad agency wins because I have now spent a considerable amount of time thinking about their product. Perhaps you guys could enlighten me to a higher purpose.

Nostalgia Trip

2012-01-03T14:00:00.001-06:00

Well, Shannon's moving to Puerto Rico in 3 weeks. It's gonna be great for him but sad for me. Schneweis just had baby Rosalie, meaning he's not around as much. Weston's gone. Peter's gone. Dave Mondy's gone. Shannon's going....

He dropped off his laptop the other day so that I could go through all of his pictures he's taken basically since we've known each other, and there were many teddy graham memories. We look so young in these! Of course Gaby and Dave and Anna and Schneweis and Weston and even Maia pop up here. We're gonna miss Shannon!

Election night, 2004. This was our "happy face" as we bounced around from bar to bar, monitoring the progress between Bush and Kerry. We had a sad face one too, which ended up being the defining face of the night, obviously:

That dog was kind of disgusting. Just felt like a bag '0' bones. Circa 2005.

Christmas eve or Christmas night, I think, around 2009? BLB.

Shannon as Waldo and Schneweis as Carmen San Diego for Halloween one year, maybe 2007?

One of my favorite all-time pictures, which I actually took with Shannon's camera, while spitting a fountain of water over the camera at him. This was probably 2004.

I think this was January 2005 when Anna, Jeramy, Kari, and Shannon came to watch my first winter half marathon.

No idea when or where.

This was at Victor's cafe one morning for breakfast before dropping Shannon off at the airport. I think this was about 2005.

My 27th birthday with Shannon and Gaby, at Boom (now Bulldog NE) after a shift at Fugaise. This is definitely the most sober picture of the bunch that night.

Bastille Day, summer of 2006, at Barbette. I was actually working that beer booth for them, because I still had food poisoning and couldn't wait tables yet. Shannon's dunking his head into ice water (it was unbearably hot and muggy that day) while I shoot him with a water gun.

No idea.

No idea, obviously sometime in the last few years.

May Day parade in Powderhorn, maybe 2008? 2009? Maia looks pretty young here...

Ah, sledding. I have tons of sledding pics, but I just grabbed these two. It was super snowy and cold that day. I think this was 2008, and maybe one is 2007.

One of many drunken silly nights at Gaby's, probably around 2004 .

This was when we all got super dressed up for the Interpol concert at 1st Ave. I was living in NE, so it must have been around 2005.

Uppercut is the New Coccoon

2012-01-03T11:46:00.004-06:00

This conversation or a variation of this conversation happens on a regular basis at Uppercut, usually when I'm working the front desk like I was last night:

Random member: So, how'd your fight go?
Me: Pretty good, I won.
Random member: You going to do it again?
Me: Yeah, I guess so. It's just a little daunting having to fight all you young kids. I'm at the old end of the young bracket.
Random member: Well, I mean, you're only, what, 27? 28?
Me: I'm 33.
Random member: No WAY are you 33, no way! You're lying, no way.
Me: I'm 33, man.
Random member: I can't believe it.

My point is this: Uppercut is the fountain of youth!! I swear people age backwards there. Take Lisa for instance - doesn't look late 40's at all, is still super healthy and physically fit. Or Alfonso, he's fucking 37, THIRTY SEVEN, and is still the best boxer in the gym and probably in Minnesota, regularly has his way with both young and seemingly invisible boxers as well as pro boxers who come in to spar him. Also doesn't look his age.

Another thing the sport seems very capable of is weight loss. There's this girl there who I swear to god was close to 300 pounds when she started, and now I bet she's barely over 200 pounds. Still heavy, but so much better than before. And she goes to class about 3 times a week.

Check this article out. ESPN ranked sports by their overall difficulty. I think this kind of helps to answer why these things I listed above are true about boxing.

/but no fucking WAY is baseball/softball harder than soccer! no fucking way/

Happy January 2nd!

2012-01-02T11:08:00.003-06:00

What's up sibbies. 2012 already off to a great start. I was at the Bengals-Ravens game yesterday, lot of fun, though it was pretty cold and windy. Paul Brown stadium sits right on the Ohio River (like the baseball stadium next door). This surely was the last Bengals game I'll ever attend, but that's OK. The Bengals lost, but that's OK too...I really didn't care about the outcome, and they backed into the playoffs anyway with losses by the Jets and Raiders.

I've talked with Jake and Mom about this already, but I might as well start the New Year off with an announcement- I was offered the job at UW in Seattle, and I accepted it! I will of course talk with all of you about this individually, but not much has changed since I was last home...namely, no job offerings from Minnesota and the Seattle opportunity was too good to pass up. I will be home for a few weeks in July before the move, I am going to ask for an August 1st start date. You will likely see me more often next year because my workload (in terms of ED shifts) drops 40-45% on July 1 with the new job.

I miss you guys terribly...but I am ridiculously excited about this job and this move. For the first time in the past year, I am finally looking forward and not dwelling on past bullshit. You have all been instrumental in that...Anna, seriously, I don't know how I would have made it through the spring without you. All those phone calls! Dave, you were also wonderfully supportive the whole time. Even though the spring was one of the worst emotional times for me, EVER, I will always think fondly of those last few months because of you. And Jake- even though you had recently been through a hurtful breakup, you still gave me excellent advice and really helped me keep my head up through all of that shit. Adam- you were the FIRST person I talked with after my breakup. Don't know if you realized it at the time but it was one of the worst afternoons of my life and you helped me through it. I don't say any of these things lightly...I didn't mean for this post to be an emotional outpouring but you guys really should know how grateful I am, how lucky I am to have this family. I will never take it for granted.

Amy- once I'm out west hopefully we will see each other more often!

Happy New Year's, again, sibs- on to 2012.

Happy New Years sibs!

2012-01-01T09:23:00.002-06:00

This picture taken shortly after I jumped into a lake and a bit before I ate some Hueeeeevos Rancherrrrrrrrrroooossss.

What will 2012 bring, guys? Will Bud move to ______? Will Adam sell bike gear to President Bush? Will Amy lead the charge of the L.A. Galaxy back to the cup? Will Anna help some old guy find something? Will Jake write another script? Will I find my way to NYC without a GPS? Will River get up before 1:30 pm?

Who knows?! Excited to find out (all of these things).

(Second Verse, Same As the First)

2011-12-27T14:41:00.002-06:00

Okay, "Jack the Giant Killer" looks like a sinister variation on the "Jack and the Beanstalk" fairy tale, but again: look at the formula. The director, the cast, the potential for suspense and terror...

/thisfilmhasnotyetbeenrated/

Ok, Just...Please...Rate This Movie..."R"...For the Love of God...

2011-12-27T14:33:00.003-06:00

Ridley Scott's upcoming film (and by upcoming I mean sometime next year) is called "Prometheus," and this teaser is AWESOME.

But we all know where I'm going with this. Notice the "this film has not yet been rated" box at the end of the trailer???

Seriously, why, WHY would they not just go the whole nine yards and rate a movie that looks this intense and heavy and violent, why not just make it for adults and rate it "R." The cast is ridiculous, the director is a master, I'm sure everything came together well for this movie, there's no reason it shouldn't make a bunch of money even with an "R" rating...so just...please...it will just be a watered down, less intense, lukewarm version of what it should be if they go with a PG-13 rating, just to make more money...

Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeonpleaseratethismovie"r"....

No no no, Merry Christmas to YOU, sibs!

2011-12-25T11:14:00.002-06:00

This morning I woke up and read the original version of Pinocchio. Great book! If you need a really quick read, I heartily suggest this wonderful fairy tale. The original version is much different than the Disney movie. It was a nice break in between reading about parasites and narcs and before I read about America and one of the greatest Americans ever to live. Check it out!

Merry Christmas, Sibs!

2011-12-25T09:41:00.001-06:00

Yes, happy holidays, happy holidays.

I guess you get what you pay for

2011-12-24T13:26:00.003-06:00

In another of my what's-currently-up Photo Booth posts, allow me to complain about my new Dane-Elec 8 GB zip drive, that doesn't work. I bought this at Targhetto at Lake/Hiawatha with Jake a few days ago. $17.99 for 8 GB. Great holiday deal, except, as I say, it does not work. Apparently Jake was able to load it with music, but whenever I insert it into my desktop or laptop, it states 'the computer cannot read the inserted disc', and subsequent attempts to repair the disc fail. If anyone knows how to fix this problem, let me know. I do not have the receipt. I SURELY will not be returning to that particular Target because it might be the worst place on Earth. Also it is in Minnesota, and I live in Cincinnati (6 months and counting), and I do not have the goddam receipt.

In the future, I predict that I will stick to trusty brands like Sony for my electronics. Dane-Elec, you got my $18, but you lost my respect. FOREVER.

Made it home

2011-12-23T23:02:00.002-06:00

Whew! Made it home a few hours ago when it looked like I might spend the night in Philadelphia. You know how airlines routinely overbook flights so they can maximize the number of people on each trip? You know?? Yeah, well, it's a bitch when you show up to the airport only to find that the second leg of your trip (PHI-CVG) has no seat assignment because, you know, the flight was overbooked and you're shit OOL.

Fortunately, several people did not show up for this flight in Philly (apparently this is also routine), and I got one of the last seats. Actually, the 2 people behind ME in the overbooked group got put in FIRST CLASS, so you could argue that I got screwed twice. Thrice!, if you count how goddam expensive that ticket was anyway. Lesson learned- don't fly around the holidays, and don't fly into Cincinnati (fly into Dayton instead).

It's all good now though, I'm home with a beer and listening to Real Estate, which is as good as Jake promised.

Also, did you know this about flash drives?

2011-12-17T12:09:00.003-06:00

My little flash drive here only holds 2 GB of whatever. It is only 25% as gangster as Jake's laundry-proof device, but it yearns for greatness. But did you know this- when you delete something off a flash drive, you don't get that memory back until you empty the Trash on your computer.

Didja know that? I had no clue. Took me a few trips back and forth from the Jeep to figure this out.

/my Jeep has a hard drive that stores ~6500 songs
//and I love it

Why I joined Facebook

2011-12-16T12:43:00.003-06:00

I don't think 5 minutes had passed after my 'friend request' to Adam when I received a text message from said B-I-L demanding a blogsplanation. So this morning, being unable to sleep after my night shift, AS ALWAYS, I said to myself, "Self, SS11 deserves that blogsplanation. Also, stop creeping on Dave's style".

(Can you imagine? A text message asking for a blogsplanation about Facebook! I nearly died)

in generic list styl-o

- I've gradually become aware that the days of direct communication (i.e. face to face contact and phone calls) are slowly drifting away. Many reasons for this, and I don't need to get into a whole thing here. Probably a consequence of a more global, tech savvy population and yes, in my mind it does represent a regression in communication skills but the thing you realize as you get older is- you can either tear yourself apart with angst and irritation about things like this, or you can just go with it. The world's not gonna stop Facebook and start making phone calls again because Matt Valento is annoyed by kids and their text messages.

- And it's not just friend-to-friend communication (frientumication?)- this is the way of things for industry, job searches, dating, etc. Jake and I talked about this last night- also drifting into the past are the days of the nervous boy, hat-in-hand, approaching the girl to ask for some digits. Seems more socially acceptable to friend someone on Facebook and go from there. Sometimes, when society moves a certain way, you just move with it.

- Yeah there is some curiosity about what so-and-so from high school/college/med school/residency/fellowship is up to, and I'm not gonna directly contact them. There is that. Shut up Jake, you are right.

- Finally, perhaps most importantly, my anti-Facebook stance was getting a little stale. When this all started there was a little cred in not getting swept away with the shiny new toy / time-waster, the new My Space. At least I thought there was. But Facebook is not going away, it's basically like cell phones and email now. Lately, when people asked me why I wasn't on Facebook, I felt like the guys who say "Ehhh, the British version of The Office is so much better." And I f**king hate those guys.

That's all. No big. I'm still not seeing that stupid Justin Timberlake movie.

Hey Dave- why aren't you on Facebook??

I really outdid myself this morning

2011-12-16T12:30:00.003-06:00

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. Like, totes no question. When I ask myself, "Self, what is your favorite meal of the day?", the answer that I tell to myself is almost always breakfast (the other answer would be dinner when mom is cooking). I ask myself this question a lot.

Every Saturday I wake up to cook a big meal. The picture above is what I concocted this morning. AMAZING. Started off by frying onion and pepper in oil with salt, pepper, cayenne pepper and chili powder. Let that cook up somethang and then added half a link of chorizo. Then added a small tomato, black beans and spinach. Add your eggs, hash it up (hash it UP!), add chihuahua cheese (Bud you can skip this) and VOILA, the best breakfast I have ever cooked for myself.

River approved, he was following me around the entire time, staring and drooling (he also was staring at me the 20 minutes it took to find the cutting board that was right in front of my dumb face, behind the sink). Tune in next time to David's Masterpiece Dinner Theater when I cook a frozen pizza again.

This Small Unassuming Device Is a Total Gangster

2011-12-14T08:53:00.000-06:00

This little 8 gig USB drive that I have is amazing. Last night I accidentally threw it in the warsh, having left it in my pocket the night prior. Unknowingly threw it in the drier this morning. Realized with an "Oh My God!" a few minutes ago and ran down to the laundry room to find it.

Stuck it in the 'puter upstairs here and it still works. Everything's in tact. What a trooper. Mad props to the PNY 'Attache' 8gb zip drive, y'all.

This is a political ad.

2011-12-13T18:15:00.006-06:00

China and Russia are nowhere near actually having the ability to overtake us, so I am going to imagine/assume that is just for the metaphor rather than fear mongering. Ron Paul, love this guy!

New car!!

2011-12-13T08:54:00.006-06:00

Picked up the new car yesterday before my shift. LOVE IT. I am quite verifiably NOT a car guy and I still say- I love this car. Best decision I have made in some time, although to be fair, the past year has not exactly been a banner year for Bud decisions. Anyway- to the photos!

The color is 'Black Forest Pearl Green'. So this means- VERY dark green. Almost black, though when the sun is out or when you are close to the car, you can tell- oh, it is actually green. Love the color.

Did you know why certain colors come and go in the car industry? It's not because of the car manufacturer...in fact, the paint companies decide. The paint companies! Jeep cycles through colors pretty quickly, probably because they will throw in some rather ridiculous options that are clearly non-sellers and non-resellers. For instance, this year they are introducing 'Gecko':

HORF!

There are only 2 options for interior colors- black and 'dark camel'. I chose the camel and the leather seats, because you can get them heated (you cannot get the brown/camel seats in anything but leather).

Best part about this car is the MANUAL TRANSMISSION YES!!!! Did I stall it once on the drive from the dealership? Yes, I did. Hey, it's been 6 months. I need to get used to this clutch. It is more akin to driving dad's old Ram than Jake's Golf.

Also as you can see from the picture above, it has a navigation system. The rest of the controls are standard, nothing to fancy, nice and straightforward. The stereo does have a hard drive which holds ~6500 songs, so I have some uploading to do. Anyway- Amy, some day our Jeeps shall meet. I love this car!

1-0

2011-12-11T12:58:00.006-06:00

Well, there's my first real fight. I won (unanimously, apparently), but of course I feel bummed out because it felt more like a bar fight and less like a boxing match. I'm sort of embarrassed by it because I'm a better boxer than this, but whatever. First fights are never pretty.

Here are some things I should say:

- Those 12 ounce gloves HURT. You'll see that left hook (more like a slap) that he catches me with early in the 1st round. That really stung and kind of rattled me for the entire fight. My jaw hurts today.

- It's SO TIRING. I can't believe how tiring it is. Obviously it's apparent by the third round what's happening out there. Just sloppy messy crap boxing. I hate it. I felt okay 1st and 2nd round, but third round I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep. Can't believe how exhausting it is, seriously, I was so baffled by it.

- The experience was ultimately kind of a let down for me; you train so hard to learn proper combinations and defense, to figure out this crazy, technical sport called boxing, and then these amateur fights start - where you only have 3 short rounds to prove you point - and it just degenerates into a messy slug fest. I really wanted to box, but these fights are NOTHING like sparring. I will say that out of the 30 fighters that fought last night, I feel like I'm one of the only ones who landed and actual JAB, fer Chrissake. Even some of the better boxers at Uppercut had really sloppy fights last night, and I knew mine would be no different (I was 11th out of 15 fights).

- Heidi, my friend and trainer, rules! But she was more nervous than me before this, I was actually more excited than nervous...until I took that first punch. Then everything I thought I knew went out the window and I was just trying to survive. But Heidi was there for me.

- How many CUSSING TIMES does this kid hug me in this fight? So frustrating. His coach up at the St. Cloud gym is a former wrestler, so all the St. Cloud guys appear to be prolific huggers. It's not something Uppercut fighters typically do. We spar in a very different way: pressure your opponent toward the ropes and then throw like hell when you get them there. And if you're under pressure, get the fuck out of there (as I do a couple times), don't hug them. I kept maneuvering this guy toward the ropes, and in my head I was like "Great, okay, let's do this, time to throw a combo," but all of the sudden he was wrapped around me. Gah. My hat's off to him, though - it works. He knew what he was doing with that move.

All in all, intense, exhausting, painful experience. Not sure if/when I'll do it again. Great sport, though, great sport.

the study of my sleep...and a return to blosting

2011-12-05T19:15:00.012-06:00

i've just had a very generous glass of wine, if you haven't already figured that out from my rambling and a'bambling comments on recent posts. i offer no apologies. i work in a dull, gray cubicle. i had to tell two 95 year-olds today that they weren't eligible for their long-term care benefits any longer that have already been paying for their assisted living/home care services. and so, wine.

(pause for some would-be-embarrassing-chair-dancing-to-mariah-carey's-christmas-cd-except-i'm-home-alone-so-in-fact-it's-the-best-dancing-you've-ever-seen-in-your-life)

i'm kind of a troubled sleeper. within the past couple years i've developed some pretty strange sleep patterns that have resulted in very restless nights of sleep and a general feeling of tiredness most days - even on weekends when i get puh-lenty of sleep. it is HARD to type well when drinking wine. what happens with the sleeping is that i wake up within my first couple hours of sleep very suddenly, with the feeling that i'm choking. it's horrible. i literally wake up in a total panic gasping for air and feeling like i can't breathe - sometimes multiple times per night. now i'm listening to "victory" by the walkmen, because i commented "victory!" on bud's post about la croix and i've been thinking about that song ever since. so i told my doctor last year about my slissues, and he recommended i partake in a sleep study. and so i agreed to it and then promptly never scheduled it, and then promptly had another year of terrible sleeping. i saw my doctor again last month. he asks if i've partooken in a sleep study. i say, "no." he says, "you do not mean that." i say, "yes i do. i do. that is a thing i had to tell thee." he says, "you do not mean that." i say, "perhaps i do not. but i wished to say it." he says, "so then you really did do a sleep study, my thee?" and i say, "no, i didn'test." and then we fu....ok no.

so then the sleep study was last thursday night. i arrived promptly at 8:41 pm, as i was told to be there at 8:30. 8:30?!? that's usually like when we eat dinner, or talk about what to eat for dinner, or download mariah carey cd's. i was greeted by my sleep technician, a 50 year old dude named "Ed". ed walked me to my room, which he grandly and falsely labeled "the executive suite." it was just another sleep study room, guys. nothin' fancy. just a bed, bedside table, across-the-room-type table, and a tv. and then this:

ed: have you ever done a sleep study? (he said this as he was closing the blinds on both windows in the room)

me: nope

ed: ok, well it's pretty easy, you're just going to sleep! no big deal, nothing dangerous happening here tonight!

me: (nervous laughter) yeah...?

ed: so you go ahead and get settled, and i'm going to hook up the lady next door and then eventually i'll come back to get you all hooked up. no big deal, nothing dangerous happening here tonight!

me: o...k.... (looking for potential escape routes)

ed then goes on to tell me that the tv will provide me with not one, but TWO different history channels!!!!!!!!!

i then say, "great! cool!" and shut the door on his face and turn on "sex and the city", because i needed something lighthearted after hearing from him twice that i'll definitely be in danger tonight.

for the next hour or so i nervously leafed through some magazines and waited for ed to come back.

OH. GOD. ok, ed was wearing a duck's-unlimited type old man dad shirt. i can't believe i forgot that.

ed and his ducks came back with a tray full of wires, electro-pads, creams, and what i initially hallucinated to be syringes but were in fact just more wires. ed then told me the process of applying everything could take either 10 minutes, or 30 minutes, depending on how much he talked. i contemplated how to firmly but respectfully request the 10 minute wire-applying session while ed went full-steam ahead with the 30 minute session. all the while, a particularly graphic episode of "sex and the city" is on the tv, and one of the main characters is repeatedly screaming at her husband about his obsession with his penis. i willed the tv to turn off with my brain. it stayed on. the penis chatter continued. i had been instructed to have my pajamas on before ed came in, and to my horror, i discovered that my sweatpants and t-shirt didn't quite provide an adequate amount of warmth in a rather chilly room. ed explained, while i tried my best to hollow out my obviously cold chest-area with an over-exaggerated hunch of my spine, that they keep the rooms nice and cool so the electro-pads stay put during the night. because, as ed explained, their usual demographic is sweaty obese people. while applying all the wires, ed stopped suddenly and asked, "do i smell chocolate?" "umm...no?" i replied. to which he creepily responded, "hmm...you smell like chocolate." minutes later, while trying to apply the electro-pads to my scalp, he noted that my hair was "so thick...and fine like silk." in fact, he noted the thickness and silkiness of my hair (that he was obviously seriously considering cutting off and fashioning into a shirt) not once, but TWICE. and THEN mentioned that he noticed on my paperwork that i lived in st. louis park, and where exactly is kipling avenue? to which i believe i replied only by widening my eyes in horror.

after hooking me up to approx 26 different wirings, i looked something like this:

and actually, i looked exactly like that. that was me at the sleep study, guys.

i was "tucked in" by ed (his words) about half an hour later, and proceeded to have the most light, aware, non-eventful sleep ever. i woke up approximately every hour, carefully turned sides so as to avoid strangling myself with the wires, and was very ready to get out of bed after 7 hours of being watched by ed on a night-vision camera. i didn't have any "choking" episodes, and ed proceeded to tell me as he pulled the wires off of me that i was his most boring sleep study patient ever. i think he was a little disappointed. then i showered in a luke-warm handicapped shower. and then adam and i probably will pay several hundred dollars for that experience that will not in any way help solve my sleep problems.

oh! and then tj and kate came back from korea and brought us this:

You done did it

2011-12-05T12:10:00.003-06:00

I made fun for years, but lookit what you got in another Valento's fridge:

JoAnn fabrics font and all. Pamplemousse!

Oh, Jesus Christ

2011-12-04T12:14:00.003-06:00

OK listen. I KNOW that Ernest Hemingway is a titan of American literature. I know this. But some of his passages can be a bit...much. Take the constant, cloying, eye-roll-inducing interaction between the protagonist and his love interest in For Whom The Bell Tolls:

Robert Jordan: I love thee, little rabbit.
Maria: I am thee and thou art me and all of one is the other. And I love thee, oh, I love thee so. Are we not truly one? Canst thou not feel it?
RJ: Yes. It is true.
M: Thou hast no heart but mine.
RJ: Nor any other legs, nor feet, nor of the body.
M: But we are different. I would have us exactly the same.
RJ: You do not mean that.
M: Yes I do. I do. That is a thing I had to tell thee.
RJ: You do not mean that.
M: Perhaps I do not. But I wished to say it. Since we are different I am glad that thou art Roberto and I Maria. But if thou should ever wish to change I would be glad to change. I would be thee because I love thee so.
RJ: I do not wish to change. It is better to be one and each one to be the one he is.
M: But we will be one now and there will never be a separate one. I will be thee when thou art not there. Oh, I love thee so and I must care well for thee.

Then they fuck in the snow. And I threw the goddam book across my living room.

Jesus Christ, Hemingway. This is like a nauseating combination of Danielle Steele, Shakespeare, and the Twilight movies.

Get to the goddam bridge already!

Dear Bud

2011-12-03T19:55:00.001-06:00

Mmm, Cemitas Pueblas, remember that place? Those delicious Mexican sandwiches? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Just found out they deliver to me. Okay bye!

Neon Indian!

2011-12-03T09:16:00.003-06:00

Quick post- if you haven't hear the latest Neon Indian album yet, check it out. It's pretty great, and has some tracks that will improve your mood on most days. Like this one:

Zisklento dance party! Jeah.

A Very Special 6:00 a.m. Walk To Work

2011-12-02T16:51:00.003-06:00

After I got off the train today and rounded the corner, I noticed some old guy stumblin' 'round the block up ahead. Naturally, I paused the new Trap Them album blazin' through my ears so I could listen to what this guy had to say to me because obviously, after noticing him staring at me, he had something to say to me. The above picture pretty much encapsulates what happened except for picture him saying that on a two minute loop. Not joking, just kept going back and forth about his brother and mother but kept on saying the two same things. After two minutes of this and noticing the light was green to cross the street, I kindly patted him on the shoulder and said "I have to go to work." He patted me back and stumbled on his way down the street. Just another morning for both of us.

A Very Special Day After Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-26T15:48:00.022-06:00

I happened to spend my Thanksgiving with a very good friend who you all know (Sue) who hails from a lovely little town that you may have never heard of (Woodstock, IL) wherein an EXTREMELY important film was shot (?). I am going to allow you to guess:

Any guesses?

Closer...

Clooosserrrrr you should really have this by now...

Okay, how have you guys not guessed yet? Your faces are much smarter than this.

"Change of departure today:... Eighty percent?... seventy-five/eighty?" Groundhog Day, bing!

Sue was kind enough to drive me around town, showing me not only landmarks of her youth, such as all of her schools that are right next to each other, but also, more importantly, various sites that a favorite sibling film was shot. So here are a few of those pictures!

"You have never thanked me!" - Tree that the kid fell off of

"I killed myself so many times I don't even exist anymore." - Bell tower he jumped out of during the suicide montage.

"Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today." The spot where Sue was in the movie because oh did you guys know that Sue was in this movie she was one of the kids in the snowball fight with Bill Murray and this is the spot where said snowball fight took place.

YOU WERE IN A MOVIE WITH BILL MURRAY SUE AND NOW I'M DRAGGING YOU AROUND TO ALL THE SPOTS THAT THAT MOVIE WAS FILMED AT, CHEER UP.

Sorry.

"I'm a God. I'm not the God...I don't think." Diner where all the...diner...scenes...were filmed. Apparently it is a restaurant dead zone.

"Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. Ned Ryerson: I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing! Ned Ryerson: got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson: I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple times until you told me not to anymore? Well?" Well this is where that scene was filmed, this is how you can tell:

"Do you have life insurance, Phil? Because if you do, you could always use a little more, right? I mean, who couldn't? But you wanna know something? I got the feeling...[whistles]...you ain't got any. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Am I right?"

"This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You're hypocrites, all of you!" - Woodstock Square, where all the Gobbler's Knob scenes were filmed.

I took more, but that's really the gist of it (that and I couldn't remember the quote from when he ran into Nancy, but that was really just a picture of a road), so, that's all!

Thee ya!

Oh no- Happy Thanksgiving to YOU

2011-11-24T11:24:00.002-06:00

I was tempted to post a picture of West Chester Hospital, as that is where I will be spending my Thanksgiving evening, but that would be kind of a downer. So instead...Snoopy dancing.

Sorry for being out of the loop for a little while. The work schedule has been fairly brutal. Still trying to figure things out for next year. I'm hoping to hear more from the Minnesota programs but so far it has been pretty quiet. I'm interviewing in Seattle in early December, but lately I've been having second thoughts as they want a career commitment there and my goal is to make it back home within the next few years. Dave- Chicago is starting to creep back into the picture...there are a few programs that I'm contacting. Would definitely be closer to Minnesota than Seattle. Who can say? Give it a few months I guess.

I will be home for most of the week before Christmas.

The new Wrangler is ORDERED! Hopefully it will come in before the end of the year, but there's no rush. I have never been as excited about a stinkin' CAR as I am about this Jeep. 6 speedy!

Hope all you guys have a nice weekend. Maybe I'll talk to some of you on Sunday, my next day off. My 'Thanksgiving break' will actually be Sunday-Tuesday of next week. Such is life in the ER. Today is like any other day...gotta go to work in a few hours.

Happy Thanksgiving sibs!

2011-11-24T10:52:00.000-06:00

Drool Installations of the masterful "Riveraue Zisklentasso"

2011-11-21T14:00:00.010-06:00

Usually you'd assume that a blog, a text, an email, or anything documenting River (his real name, Riveraue being his hollywood name) would come from Anna, with that assumption, you'd only be 99.99999999999999999999999% right, so don't make an ass of you or me, because today it is time for the 0.00000000000000000000001% to hit the cyber world.

This may actually become a Thanksgiving Series now that I think of it, as we should all be thankful for these photos on many levels. Not only do these photos remind me of my appreciation of his jowls and how happy they make me when I look at them, but I also have an appreciation of how often I have to do laundry if I'm anywhere near him after he's eaten, and/or double whammy if he's eaten, then comes over to you and flaps his ears allowing the drool to take flight.

Without further ado, the first artistic installation of our very own Riveraue Zisklentasso, aptly titled "Drool."
Now this first shot is a gorgeous profile shot of the handsome River himself showcasing one of his most difficult designs in his repertoire. This is equal to Rodney Dangerfield's "Triple Lindy" in the movie Back To School. He allows the drool to elasticize between 6" - 8" inches, then with utmost confidence, flaps his ears, allowing the drool to shoot over his face and stick (like the string to those sticky gummy spider toys we used to have as kids that would stick to the wall or window), while at the same time, producing more drool to come down about 4"inches for the pose. It is truly incredible and one of his masterpieces. Sometimes depending on his mood, you won't get the extra 4inches, and it'll look just like this:

Some people don't understand the depth of a mastermind, which Riveraue is. He may not have the ability to comprehend that there may be clues of his existence in places he should not be or has been, but he certainly knows that if he shouldn't be somewhere or on something, that he can get off of it or get out of it before we notice he was there, and it is to be believed that it never happened in the first place. Riveraue doesn't understand that we can see his nose prints on the windows, or his shedding hair on the couch, chair, bed, etc... but it doesn't take away the brilliance of his ideas. I strongly believe he is somewhat of a Canine Banksy. Allow me to explain. Usually, during the day, Riveraue sits in my office with me. Occasionally I'll have to use the rest room or sign for a package, so I leave my office to do so. This is when his creative juices (yes, pun intended) start flowing. Riveraue likes to secretly "tag" his art anonymously but true art historians such as myself, can easily detect that it is Riveraue by the exact length and shape that is within his trade mark drool. Please take note of the off color of this drool installation. This must have taken awhile to incorporate and is still a mystery to the art historians throughout North America that have studied him.

I would like to end this first annual Thanksgiving Series Art Installation (right, this is going to be an annual thing right? I supposed it all depends on the support we get from our sponsors & how well attendence & viewership is and if the response is good, but I'm going to think we will be in the clear for a another annual series), with one of Riveraue's most creative & original designs to date. Please note, just like all greats, Michael Jordan taking over a game in the clutch, Arcade Fire in a small venue five years ago, Michael Jackson Live, Riveraue makes this specific installation look so effortless even though it has never been done before by any other of his understudies, and there is a special class training on said design, but at the time of this report, has yet to be duplicated. Regardless, just like there will only be one Airness or King of Pop, there will only be one Riveraue Zisklentasso. I will refrain from even attempting to explain how he does it or even where his inspiration came from, as his agent and close peers have instructed us that he will not answer to such questions, so it will remain in the interpretation of the viewer, like a good art piece is best captured, in the aesthetic value of the fan base. Although Riveraue has named this one "Untitled," for filing sake, we file it under "Untitled - Bubble".

I'm sure you are now reading this after having spent a good 25 minutes staring at the above installation, but I'd like to quickly take a moment to congratulate my sister for getting this last night:
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All the doubters can now suck one, or kiss this dude's ass that was bent over the craps board last time I was in Vegas.

I LOVE YOU AMY, I KNOW YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF THIS YEAR, AND YOU DESERVE THE CHAMPIONSHIP MORE THEN MOST OF THE PLAYERS DID.

SCHWEINSTEIGER!

2011-11-19T18:57:00.005-06:00

There are a bunch of things I should have or should be bloggin' 'bout, but I am often too tired to do anything such as that (the other night, after working three days in a row of both jobs (about 15 hours straight), I went to bed at SIX P.M.). But I will show off the jersey Sue got me for my 30th birthday. Who else could she possibly get me?

SCHWEINSTEIIIIIGGEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR who is actually hurt right now. Here's the front:

I love that picture. I tried, and think was successful, to have a picture taken of me in the vein of someone who doesn't know how to pose for a picture. Shoulders slumped a little forward, not standing up straight, stupid smile. Nailed it! And here is it's place in my (life) room:

Bayern. The Wallabies. The L.A. Galaxy. The latter of who is playing tomorrow night for the Cup!

If you are wondering where my U.S. jersey is, it has it's own special place.

Can we be done with this guy already?

2011-11-15T15:41:00.005-06:00

I admit it- I don't understand the popularity behind Herman Cain. Said popularity has taken a significant hit recently because of the allegations of sexual harassment (indeed, I don't see how they don't completely destroy his candidacy, true or not), but 'twas a time in the past few months where the guy was actually the frontrunner for the GOP nomination.

Really! Herman Cain! A man who has never held an elected position (remember when Republicans were so quick to deride Barack Obama as "just a community organizer"? At least he was a US Senator before his election!). A man whose overly simplified economic plan could never be practically implemented and is essentially a nice way to lower taxes on corporations and the wealthy. A man that expressed concern at the possibility of a future with a nuclear-armed China, apparently not realizing they've had these weapons for over 50 years. A man, /sigh, a man who is on record as considering construction of an electrified fence at the US:Mexico border (good luck with the Latino vote).

Anyway, my big issue with Herman Cain is his complete ignorance of foreign policy. You probably all remember this irreverent quip:

See, early on in his rise to frontrunner status, the conservative electorate used quotes like that to say "See! Herman Cain isn't one of those egghead liberal elites! He's a regular (billionaire) that tells it like it is!". We must remember, of course, that the conservatives have adopted a stridently anti-science, anti-intellectual position. Whatever. But check out this recent gem:

Ridiculous.

See, you can make fun of hard-to-pronounce countries from the former Soviet Union under the guise of 'who really cares, we need jobs, I'm a businessman'. Fine. But the president of the United States is also our public face to the world. He is EXPECTED to be able to hold sophisticated discussions about complicated foreign policy issues. LIBYA is not some irrelevant backwater. This was a major foreign policy concern with global implications. If you're a presidential candidate, you MUST be able to discuss this. You CANNOT continue to say things like "I need to learn more...I need to consult my advisors". No dude. You are EXPECTED to have an educated opinion on things like this.

I absolutely LOVE how he had no idea of what to say, so he just launched into the standard GOP position of "I do not agree with how [President Obama] handled it for the following reasons...um...nope, that's a different one...(shifts uncomfortably)...I gotta go back and see...".

PRICELESS.

Listen, Herman Cain, I know that conservative voters are expecting, nay, craving your abject disapproval of ANY Obama position. But you MUST have a clear reason for this! Furthermore...WHY IN THE WORLD would you disagree with Obama on Libya?? This was one of the most successful foreign policy interventions OF OUR ENTIRE LIFETIME. The United States took a position (anti-Gaddafi), supported the rebel movement through a coalition of other Western countries, took a back seat to the actual fighting, instead leaving that to local groups, provided advanced military support without actively engaging a large number of forces or putting American lives at risk, and allowed the Libyans to take credit for eventual victory. IT WAS A F**KING SLAM DUNK.

Shit- I forgot- a successful Republican foreign policy adventure involves massive numbers of troops and money in an endless march towards an uncertain outcome, while allowing local resentment to replace any goodwill that might have initially been present. I'm sorry.

Anyway...I sincerely believe that shit like this will finish Cain, FINALLY. Of course, now it looks like Newt Gingrich is back in the driver seat. Republicans! What the f**k is your problem with JON HUNTSMAN??

Great Fight, And What's All the Fuss About

2011-11-13T15:09:00.004-06:00

Manny Pacquiao beat Juan Marquez fair and square last night. He threw more punches, landed more punches - including power punches - and was more aggressive throughout the fight. Yeah it was close and Marquez did really, really well, but it's like people were booing and shit afterward?

He won, and the underdog lost. And then he (Marquez) complained about it, saying they were robbed. Well, maybe if his coach (name of Nacho) wouldn't have been telling him around the 9th round that "you've got it, you're winning" he probably wouldn't have lost those last 3 or 4 rounds like he did. Stupid coaching, because he really was beating Pac for a while in the middle of the fight. Either way, gotta love Pacquiao. Even when he looked timid and lost and in his own head, he still was the better fighter.

My fingers are so sore from biting my nails throughout the fight. I recommend finding a place to watch high-profile bouts live, it's so much more fun.

Pics!

It's No Wonder, Buddy

2011-11-11T15:05:00.004-06:00

Super nice guy working at the Riverview coffee shop says hello to me, and what can he do for me today. I remember thinking, throughout the transaction, what is he doing working here? He's far too charming and nice and seemingly intelligent for this job.

Guy: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a small hot chocolate and a scone.

Guy: Espresso Chocolate or Vanilla on the scone?

Me: Espresso, thanks.

Guy: Do you want whipped cream on the hot chocolate?

Me: No thanks, man.

Guy: Aw, look, your scone has a little frosting on it from the cupcake it was sitting next to. Is that cool?

Me: Yeah, I can live with that.

Guy: Sorry, I was totally distracted by the frosting on the scone, did you say you wanted whipped cream?

Me: No thank you.

/makes my hot chocolate for 2 minutes, sets it in front of me, it's got a ton of whipped cream on top/

Guy: That's $4.80, man.

Me: Here you go. Thanks.

It's no wonder he's working at the coffee shop, how many times do you have to be told in 20 seconds that I don't want whipped cream?

Made me laugh. And I ate the whipped cream, after all.

/Adam, no comments about how you would have returned it for one with no whipped cream/

Portlandia

2011-11-10T12:09:00.001-06:00

I know I just posted another thing below (read it...READ IT). But there's also a new season of 'Portlandia' starting soon om IFC. Don't know if you guys watch it. It's pretty funny.

I don't get it, am slightly irritated

2011-11-10T11:53:00.003-06:00

I'm an Apple guy, like basically all the sibs. I have a stinkin' iPhone, iMac, and MacBook. I'm sure I'll continue to purchase their products. What I don't understand is ANY hype around the new iPhone (4S).

There is nothing special about this phone and is essentially the exact same phone as the 4 EXCEPT, for this 'Siri' assistant. I'll let the ad explain how f**king amazing this is:

Let's take this one hipster/yuppie at a time:

"What's my day look like?"
A: You could ask 'Siri', or you could simply PUSH THE FUCKING CALENDAR BUTTON WHICH IMMEDIATELY PULLS UP ANY EVENTS OF THE DAY, SIRI IS READING STRAIGHT OFF YOUR CALENDAR.

"Can I walk to the Belvidere Hotel from here"
A: If 'Siri' really works as fast as the ad indicates (assuredly not), this might save you 20 seconds from pushing the 'Maps' button and typing in 'Belvidere Hotel'

"Read me that text."
A: Read me that text? READ ME THAT TEXT?? PUSH THE FUCKING MESSAGES BUTTON AND READ IT YOURSELF YOU FUCKING TRENDSTER!! My God. Computer! Please read me a 3 word message, I can't possibly be bothered to actually look at the fucking screen myself, can't you see I'm walking briskly with coffee here??

"Do you think it will snow today?"
A: First of all, kid, go put down your mom's iPhone. HOPEFULLY that is not yours. Second...will it snow today...JUST FUCKING GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK KID! God forbid you have to look at the newspaper or maybe PUSH THE FUCKING WEATHER BUTTON ON THE GODDAM IPHONE IN YOUR HAND.

I don't get it. Voice activation things like this are NEVER as convenient as their proponents claim. Half the time they don't recognize your command, and when they do work, they MIGHT save you a few seconds. Is that worth several hundred dollars to upgrade from the iPhone 4? Absolutely not.

Apple...I assume you have something truly amazing on board for the iPhone 5. Otherwise I'm keeping the 4 for a long time.

Idiosyncratic Att to the Ributes

2011-11-07T11:30:00.013-06:00

God Love Idiosyncrasies! They define us. They are sometimes incredibly odd. They are sometimes pretty normal. Some we wear on our sleeves, some we tuck underneath our skin and hope nobody gets wind of it.

The ones I wear on my sleeve are drumming on everything , biting my nails, long showers, not wanting to hear people's opinions of a movie before I see it as I don't like to have expectations or ideas in my head prior to seeing it, fumbling sentences and sentence structure, bad grammar & typos, tend to talk over people, blah blah blah, there is a giant list of what we have as unique behavior and unique tendencies, even if we consider them to be normal unique tendencies. The saying "I am unique, just like everybody else" stands true here.

The last time Bud was in town, I picked him up at the airport (cuz I'm an amazing brother) and about 10 minutes into our ride home he looks over to me and says, "Do you know you have two cockroaches in your passenger side door pocket?" I said I didn't, it was Anna's car and I'm never in the passenger side of it when I'm it because she prefers I drive. I said something along the lines of "Cockroaches, they can't be cockroaches, let me see one." It was at that moment that I learned a little bit about Bud. Bud, the guy that impresses me intellectually beyond what my unintelligent vocabulary can express, the guy that saves lives & helps quality of life for numerous people every day/week/month, that see's a guy shot in his balls, or comes in with part of his face missing, and doesn't get grossed out or nauseated, but is fine with the situation, can collect his thoughts, be calm, and act accordingly to treat that individual (give or take a couple giant deep breaths). It was this Bud, that turns to me and says, "Hell No I'm Not Touching Them. I'm scared of bugs, I hate bugs, I'm pretty sure they are dead and you can see them when we get back to your place." I was pretty much in shock. How can someone that has studied cadavers of animals and humans and works with daily visuals not meant for the light-hearted be scared of bugs? Idiosyncrasies...

Mind you the bugs were only dead Asian Beatles, not cockroaches, but it turns out, the fear of bugs runs in the family. Every time autumn comes around, bugs look to get inside the house where it is warm. Usually by the time you find them, they have crawled to their death as there is nothing to eat inside the house. So tis the season for finding dead bugs on the floor, mainly in the basement where they could crawl thru the ground level vents & windows. Nothing a vacuum can't handle. Mind you its still rare, but it never surprises me when it happens because our house is built in 1940 and bugs can crawl through anything. I don't know any home owner that doesn't have this happen, but some use a lot more chemicals around their home to limit it as well, which I tend not to do with River around whom will eat/lick anything but a person's skin (one of River's idiosyncrasies). Spiders are a little different than the normal bug. The reason being, for the most part, we need spiders. They trap and kill everything else. It always sucks walking through the woods, garage, or even your dining room and getting a spider web stuck anywhere on you. Absolutely that sucks. I hate it. But I'm not afraid of bugs or spiders or pretty much any insect for that matter. Spiders are almost impossible to keep out of your house because of how agile they are. They can get into anything they want to and pretty much survive for a long time due to their web collection (they are tech savvy... BOOOOM). So Anna hates bugs/spiders/insects. Coincidentally she is exactly like Bud in this regard. If she see's one, usually its dead, but even if its alive she'll call me to dispose of it in whatever matter I like.
Well, a few days ago, she said while we were downstairs in the basement that there was a spider on her wall in her closet and asked if I could get it out on my way up to bed. No problem. I'd be happy to get the little cute guy/girl spider out of your closet for you so you won't freak out.
Of course whatever I was doing, watching TV or searching on the internet or folding my laundry or cleaning up etc... took long enough for me to forget that my lovely wife had asked me this favor. (I have no short-term memory and very selective hearing, so it could've been 1 minute later) The following evening, she has asked me to do it again. I couldn't believe the spider was even still there, so I figured it must have been dead if it was still in the same spot for that long. She was like, "NO, it wasn't dead, I saw it move." I'm like, cool, I'll do it right now baby, sorry for forgetting. That is when I came to find this. I was dumbfounded. What the fuck was this on the wall behind her clothes? Then at the same time I was thinking WTF, I began laughing my ass off. Anna had gone to the trouble of going downstairs, climbing up on a chair in the kitchen to reach the cabinet with plastic glasses in it, walk back upstairs into her closet, and used scotch tape to trap the spider with the cup. She got that close to the spider, spent that much time trapping it, but she couldn't even come close to the thought or action of just taking a napkin or towel and disposing of the spider itself. Honestly, you could not have made this shit up, I would have never believed you. My wife made a spider trap on the side of her closet using scotch tape and a glass instead of taking some gloves or something and just throwing the spider outside or down the toilet. WOW. I mean W O W ! ! ! Would Bud have done the same thing? Maybe, but probably not? I mean after all, he & Dave left a fire alarm's low battery alarm sound off from their hallway that you could hear inside their apartment for a good 10 months before fixing it. So I'm going to guess Bud leaves that spider there until it goes away. COINCIDENTALLY, that is what I did. Because by forgetting to get it the first night, and having Anna trap the spider, she obvious didn't practice her "SPIDER TRAPPING" skills enough, because if you look close here... THERE AIN'T SHIT TRAPPED! HaHaHaHaHa I took the cup off the wall and there was nothing in it. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Wedding, in 2 pics

2011-11-04T09:34:00.004-05:00

Several of my college friends visited Cincinnati last weekend for my close friend Joe Ribando's wedding. His fiancee/wife is from Mason, a northern suburb. Anyway. A wonderful time was had by all. I was a groomsman, which is the best role for a wedding, because you get to look important without really having to do anything.

Here is my friend Ed (some of you may remember him...he's from Minnesota, has like 10 siblings, incredibly nice guy, now lives in Colorado). What a classy picture...it appears that he's gazing at a fine vintage champagne while overlooking the fields of some renowned white grape-producing land (Germany?). In fact, he's drinking Franzia from a plastic cup, and the window overlooks some nondescript schoolyard in a Cincinnati suburb.

Don't know if you can see the bruising beneath my R eye, but I had an interesting evening...around 1 or 2 AM, I was sitting in the hotel bar talking with some friends when I suddenly felt very lightheaded and nauseated, then completely passed out. Faceplant right onto the floor. The funny thing is, I wasn't even that drunk. I think it was a classic vasovagal episode (think, the reaction people have when they see blood or something, get all woozy, maybe pass out), I woke up right away, but shit, it was embarrassing. Bleeding on the floor of a hotel bar. Also I've had to explain "What happened to your face" about 100 times at work over the past few days. I'm sticking to the story "My college friends were in town for a wedding, we got after it pretty good, and I woke up this way". Gives an air of mystery to the whole thing, yeah?

Yeah.

Soliciting opinions (but not all opinions)

2011-11-03T09:35:00.002-05:00

OK...I'm considering something down here. I know it probably don't make any financial sense. Not really looking for a lecture or anything on that. Here's the deal...I am thinking about switching vehicles.

I know, I know, I've only had the Explorer for a few months. Truthfully, it has been a wonderful vehicle. Very reliable. I like it. BUT:

1. The Ford Sync / My Touch system has been a disaster, and doesn't look to be fixed anytime soon. Routinely crashes, is clunky and not user friendly, and doesn't come with navigation (!) except on the highest end 'Limited' editions. There's something wrong about having a large touch screen in your expensive new SUV that DOESN'T have a GPS system. Anyway- much more importantly that this is-

2. I miss the manual transmission. I really do. The thought of not driving with a clutch for another 5-10 years, depending on how long I keep the Explorer...no. I want the manual back.

There is a vehicle that I wanted from the beginning...don't laugh now...don't make fun. I always wanted the Jeep Wrangler. Don't ask me why. I just like it! Amy- don't you have one? Back me up on this.

The great thing about the Wrangler is that EVERY MODEL comes with a 6 speed manual (you can spend ~5K more for an automatic on some models). It gets the same mileage as my Explorer (which is to say, not great). The top of the line models cost about the same as my Explorer, yet they come with navigation.

The reason I did not buy a Wrangler last year was their notoriously weak engine. However, the 2012 models have incorporated Chrysler's Pentastar V6, which is significantly more powerful (while achieving slightly better mileage). The 2012 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is the car I wanted from the beginning...it just wasn't available in June, when I was in the market. Well, it's available now.

I am going to test drive one this weekend to see if I like the ride. Should I decide to make the switch, I would probably lose a little money. But I would also be more satisfied with a vehicle I'll be driving for the next 10 years. Not sure if I'm gonna pull the trigger yet...I have to see how the finances shake out and, of course, if I like the drive.

Anyway- my question to the sibs is, if I make the switch, and am able to order something from the factory (also, not sure)- what color?? Here's what's available per the Jeep website. Note- not all colors shown, just the ones I would consider:

Black

Cosmos Blue

Deep Cherry Red

Dozer (OK, yeah right, but still kind of cool)

Natural Green

Sahara Tan

What do you think? Again...this is very preliminary. I haven't even test driven (drove?) one of these things yet. But I felt like posting anyway.

Customer Service

2011-11-02T15:42:00.003-05:00

It is not very often that I talk about my business to anyone, as in my head I always think it is boring to other people. However, because of this sibling blog, I always think of life's incidents as some sort of potential blog post, even though 99% of the time I don't blog. Well, today was in honor of both of these subjects, a business experience perfect for thy blog. Please allow me to introduce you to it.

Sibs, meet an old lady, with the most adorable crackling soft voice, the most humbling of tones, one which makes you want to do whatever you can to help her, as she sounds so innocent & happy, yes, that is the voice. To top that off, with this voice she begins to introduce herself, her name, of course, is Athena. She immediately tells me her address and phone number without me asking.

Conversation from there...

Athena: "Ah, hello, yes, so I want to buy from you"

Me: "Well Athena, we don't normally sell direct to consumer. We have numerous shops in your area that you could check out if you'd like."

Athena: "No, I want to buy from you. Is that possible."

Me: "Well, okay, what is it exactly that you are looking for?"

Athena: "Well, I already have two of your jackets & one pair of pants that were purchased for me."

Me: "ah huh, and what exactly are you looking to purchase?"

Athena: "Well, since i have a spare jacket, I was thinking that I should get a spare pair of the pants too."

Me: "Okay, that isn't a problem."

Athena: "Don't you think I should have an extra pair of pants? I always keep mine in my car."

Me: "Well, It isn't like they are going to fall apart, so you don't necessarily need an extra pair, but I'm happy to sell you whatever you want, it isn't a problem ma'am."

Athena: "Do they come any smaller?"

Me: "What size do you have?"

Athena: "Small"

Me: "Nope, Small is the smallest we make right now."

Athena: "Its jackets that are most important, right? Maybe I'll wait to buy them so it can be my Christmas present."

Me: "That would be a great gift for yourself. You could always have your local bicycle shop order them for you too, as we are in a lot of local bike shops in your area."

Athena: "Oh dear no, I can't bicycle. I'm not a biker."

Me: "I was only saying that in case you wanted to buy from your local store or try them on first. But again, I can help you with whatever you'd like."

Athena: "Yes, that is what I'm going to do. I'll wait until Christmas and get them at that time. Thank you for your help."

Me: "Not a problem, you know how to find us and we will certainly take care of anything you need when you decide it's time. Thank you."

Athena: Okay, bye bye now.

Me: Bye Athena.

Happy Golden Birthday, Dave!

2011-10-31T14:59:00.002-05:00

Even though it was yesterday, I couldn't get to the internets to say Happy Birthday! You're the best 6'7" cupcake-impersonating little brother a guy could ask for.

Here's to 60 more!

Staying Power

2011-10-28T13:22:00.001-05:00

It's just that I've been listening to The Beatles lately, in particular "Rubber Soul," "Revolver," and "Magical Mystery Tour." Man, this record is so fucking brilliant. Look at that track list. I mean, look at side "b," all of those songs on one record??

Below are videos for "Penny Lane" and "Hello Goodbye," two of THE greatest songs ever written.

They Grow Up So Fast

2011-10-26T16:07:00.002-05:00

This is me holding Schneweis and Becky's new Malamut, Winslow, 9 months ago. He was just a little furball, like a toy. So precious. So sweet. Can you believe how cute he is? He's like a little movie prop.

And this is me "holding" him last night before we left for the Haunted Basement (super fun). Look at the size 'o him!!

Our little boy's all growns up...

camping

2011-10-24T09:13:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I went a-campin' with my residency friends Chris and Seth. I suppose we could have photographed the gorgeous Ausable river during our kayaking sojourns, but the only pictures are from the campfire. Don't remember much of the last night...a few cases of beer and a lot of shit got burned. What fun!

Pics don't really require caption...except yes, our method of cookery was placing full cans of beans and skyline chili directly into the fire. Works surprisingly well! You just wait until the contents start to boil, or in Valento terms, a Jerry "ehhhh, just getting warm".

The river was just beyond the campsite. You can't see it in these photos, but it is beautiful.

Wonderful Late 70's Horror Film

2011-10-23T16:10:00.003-05:00

Pretty much finished with my David Cronenberg run on Netflix. Man...this guy's pretty great, although he often makes very disgusting things happen in his films.

I started with his most recent stuff ("Eastern Promises," "A History of Violence," "Spider") and worked my way backward, through the middle phase ("eXistenZ," "Naked Lunch," Dead Ringers," "Crash") and on through to the early classics from the 70's and 80's ("Scanners," "Videodrome," "Dead Zone," "The Fly").

I watched "The Brood" the other night, by myself. Holy shit, I forget how creepy that 70's sheen is. I mean, "Exorcist," "Rosemary's Baby," "The Shining?" I'd rank this among them, even though it has a far lower production value. Actually, there's just something inherently more effective with special effects when it's actors in make-up than when it's just CGI crap.

"The Brood" is basically a psychological horror film, which is what he used to do when he started out. The main character's wife is in an intense, experimental therapy situation where she's isolated out in the woods with these other disturbed patients and their doctor. The doctor essentially role plays with them and gets deep inside their anger issues, and what ends up happening is that their anger manifests itself physically (via hives, or cancer, etc) on their bodies as they work through it. Disgusting.

Well, the what we end up learning eventually is that the lead's wife's anger manifests itself through these creepy little mutated children she gives "birth" to (not even gonna describe how that happens) and who cannot talk and have no sexual organs and all have cleft upper lips and mean looking eyes and are essentially pure physical anger.

They are usually wearing little hoodies throughout the movie and are super-ass creepy. Her and the doctor keep these freaks in a little work shed out in the woods but some of them start to escape and carry out her inner most desires (revenge against her abusive mother, her absent father, the school teacher who is threatening her marriage).

Typical Cronenberg plot, and you just end up going with it and dreading every time somebody goes near one of these creepy little children. Very cool. And I'm not even really a horror movie kinda guy.

/for the record, nothing in this film is nearly as haunting or night-mare inducing as some of the more recent stuff I've scene, which certainly includes the Kitchen Scene in that fantastic drama "Take Shelter" that I just saw in the theater/

Anyway, "The Brood." Rent it!

Also, here are my recommendations as far as Cronenberg goes:

"The Brood"
"Scanners"
"Videodrome"
"The Fly"
"eXistenZ" - Jude Law is fucking HILARIOUS in this...
"A History of Violence"
"Eastern Promises"

Patient history

2011-10-21T17:09:00.002-05:00

Patient: Well, about 6 months ago, my husband and I were...having intercourse...and it smelled like a dead animal.

Me: ...

Patient: Like something rotting.

Me: Ah.

Patient: And it's been that way ever since.

Shifty husband: Cain't you do something about that?

Me: Can I do something about what?

SH: About the odor?

Me: ...what would you like me to do?

SH: I don't know ...give her some medicine to clear that up.

Me: /sigh

Emergency medicine!

One (Or Two) and Done

2011-10-21T16:15:00.003-05:00

Hey guys. My good friends Peter and Kari, originally from St. Paul and Moline, IL but now living in Harlem, just had twins back in August. A boy and a girl, Johan and Freja.

Pretty awesome, huh? Got one of each first time around and now they're good to go.

p.s. Peter is responsible for getting me into Sonic Youth, for which I'll be forever grateful...

Somebody's Sleeping Alone Tonight

2011-10-20T14:40:00.006-05:00

Strange little incident at Barbette last night, goes like dis:

I swung into the Fetus to sell a few records and my friend Steve was working. It was late so I told him I'd give him a ride home (he takes the bus). We stopped at Barbette for a beer because Steve was stressed out and needed to vent.

We were having a very enjoyable conversation about Steve's record label that he runs, Moon Glyph, and some of the recent awkward/frustrating situations he's been in with different bands on his label. Steve's a very well-spoken guy, so talking with him about anything is always fun (his political rants rival Bud's in entertainment value). It would get a little nerdy at times, as far as the music we were talking about and the ins and outs of vinyl production, etc, but overall a nice back-and-forth, good energy, good listeners the both of us, and some jokes mixed in too.

So there's this lady right next to us having a cocktail by herself, and I can only describe her as a cougar - mid to late forties and fairly attractive. She was just blatantly listening in on our conversation and staring at us the entire time, which was weird, but I figured she was really wasted.

Finally, after our french fries arrive, this was more-or-less the exchange that happens when she finally leaned in to talk to us - I mean, to interrupt us:

Cougar: Those are the best fries in the city.

Jake: Yeah, I agree.

Steve: Very good. (back to me) So, anyway, he sends me this album art and it's just terrible, and I'm thinking -

Cougar: Psh, oh my god. Oh. My. God, you guys.

/awkward silence while we eat fries and stare at her/

Cougar: It's no wonder you have no girls with you, because this is one of the most unbelievably boring conversations I've ever listened to. Just awful.

Jake: Uh.

Steve: Really.

Cougar: I mean, I've tried, I've given you every chance, but oh my god, you guys are so fucking boring.

Jake: We're talking about work. We like to have this conversation when the girls aren't around.

Steve: Yeah, sorry if it's too esoteric for you. You want us to talk about sports instead?

Cougar: Oh, I have fucking esoteric conversations.

Steve: Do you even know what 'esoteric' means?

Cougar: Hey, fu-uh-uh-uh-uck you. Fuck you both.

Jake: Oh my.

Steve: I just don't remember inviting you to share in our discussion.

Cougar: I mean, you two guys, you don't even meet my ABYSMALLY, I-want-to-go-home-and-shoot-myself low standards.

Jake: Is that right.

Steve: Shocking.

Cougar: I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but, seriously, you guys are so lame.

Jake: I promise I won't lose sleep over it.

Steve: That's exactly what you sound like.

Cougar: Normally by now a guy would have tried to say something to get on my good side.

Jake: That's not gonna happen with us, though.

Cougar: Well, fu-uh-uh-uh-uh-ck you both, you little 14 year-olds.

(turns to the two guys on the other side of her)

Cougar: Please save me from these two douchebags over here and their suicidingly boring conversation.

Believe it or not, I've totally toned down her insults. They were much more lavish and wordy. I have this personality defect where, no matter how brazenly horrible a person is, a certain percentage of me still, in the end, feels bad for him or her. How lonely and pathetic they must be. Wasted alone on a Wednesday night, picking fights with guys 15 years younger than her who it's obvious she's trying to pick up in her own mean and awkward way.

Steve was much more confrontational and I was getting a little embarrassed because I was sitting between them. Not that she wasn't getting under my skin - part of me took it somewhat personally because she was do direct and honest with her insults. If that would have been a guy I might have seriously told him to shut the fuck up or I'm gonna knock you off that bar stool, but apparently that's not an option with women, no matter how much they might deserve to have their mouth slapped. Plus, I don't think she really meant it, it was just a warped form of flirting.

Ultimately, though, she seemed like a pretty awful person and was mean-spirited and wasted, but, again, at the end of the night, I guess I still felt pretty sorry for her. We actually moved seats, and then she saddled up next to a guy around her age. She was literally there for about 15 seconds when we saw him put his finger up and say 'Check Please!' to the bartender. Hilarious, but kind of sad too.

Anyhow, if you could just tell me how interesting and fascinating I am in your comments, that would help me rebuild my shattered self-esteem.

Nice and Straight Forward

2011-10-19T15:36:00.002-05:00

Wonderful new album by New Jersey's Real Estate called "Days." Very straight forward, jangly, sunny-but-slightly-melancholy guitar pop, reminiscent of a more somber Shins but with the pretty, sunbaked guitar sounds of Kurt Vile, courtesy of Ducktails' Matthew Mondanile.

Real Estate - Green Aisles by DominoRecordCo

Stream the whole album on NPR here.

El Generation El Gapo

2011-10-18T15:47:00.010-05:00

Rarely do I ever feel that Anna & I's age difference has any significance to anything, and is always a strange topic to think about because unless I look in the mirror, I feel as though I'm an immature 26 yr old kid with a beautiful wife. Occasionally, iconic pop culture generational things occur that we completely differ in relating to, or even knowing about for that matter. Well well well my lads, this week was the trifecta of that scenario.
Anna & I have been watching a TV Show called the "Sing Off," which is a brilliant A Capella show where groups sing & use their vocal chords for all instruments, its pretty wicked. Ben Folds founded it and he is one of the judges. Its something I would go see live for sure, probably not something I'd ever buy or put on, but its still amazing to watch. Well, every week they have a different theme they need to pick songs from (ie: guilty pleasures, hair bands, etc...) and last week was songs from the 60's. I kid you not, one group started into the WHO's PINBALL WIZARD from the rock opera album TOMMY (1969), and Anna turns to me and said something along the lines of, "Is this a real song? They are singing about playing Pinball? This is so stupid? This can't be a real song! This is the dumbest song I've ever heard!"
A couple things entered my mind when hearing Anna say this, first, I agree with her to some level, I hate this song, even though I sing it word for word every time I hear it and sometimes even get into it, I still hate it. Second, How the f&*k has she not ever heard this song before? How has she dodged this song on every classic rock station for the past 28 years of her life? Third, I distinctly remember when I first heard this song and how dumb I thought it was. I couldn't believe anyone in their right mind would listen to it, let alone it becoming such a giant song (19th on US Billboard, 4th in United Kingdom).
I was literally laughing out loud and super amazed by this scenario, why do I know it so well and why doesn't she? Hmmmmmmmmm....

That night, we are in bed reading and I read something about the band AIR SUPPLY coming to Minneapolis or something, I was joking that we should go see them. Anna turns to me from reading People Magaine on her IPhone and says "Who are they?" Oh they are only the biggest lame soft rock cheesy weesy geesy beesy zeesy xxeeesy Ausie band in the entire world with 8 top 10 hits in the US alone, mind you everyone in the world knows all 8 hits and can sing them a top their lungs like an annoying gnat stuck in your ear. That is all. After I whispang'd to her (whisper sang)some of the songs, she knew them, HOWEVER, she didn't know the name AIR SUPPLY. COME ON PEOPLE. COME ON, REALLY, JUST COME ON ALREADY, MY GOD. I've hated this band since I could talk. How has Anna, a women that remembers the names of every song/band/actress/actor/socialite not remember hearing the name AIR SUPPLY? GEEZ LOUISE

Okay, I've collected my cool. I don't feel THAT old, but seriously. I feel like Anna has not only dodged a bullet with Pinball Wizard, but then dodged a lightning bolt with Air Supply, that is like, super powerish, you nah'mean? So, I'm over it. Everything is cool. My beautiful almost the same age wife as me and I were hanging out two nights ago and we were being funny/stupid, making fun of people on TV using wordplay and the like, anyway, I went the way of using AXEL FOLEY, Anna again, like a broken record, looks at me and says, "Who is that?" "Who is that" I say???? "Are you kidding me?" "Banana in the exhaust pipe, that crazy laugh, fricking Eddie Murphy before he became super annoying & unwatchable." It was Beverly Hills Cop YO! Anna says "Never seen it." I gasped my last breath of air, and died. THE END.

Bon Iver

2011-10-17T13:42:00.005-05:00

I didn't know what to expect from Bon Iver's recent self-titled album (ahem...Bon Iver). I suppose I expected more of For Emma, Forever Ago, his highly-acclaimed 2007 debut. That album, while quite pretty, didn't offer much in the way of range...it sounded very much like what it was, a lonely man writing songs about lost love in the northern Wisconsin woods.

Bon Iver is more of the same, in that it shares the same general themes and overall tone. However, this effort is significantly more mature. Each track is constructed with purpose. The instruments accompanying Justin Vernon's unique vocals are much more apparent without sounding overly produced. Damn- the strings on this album. A decent comparison would be to Kurt Vile's Smoke Ring For My Halo- a confident, grown-up effort that puts everything together. Every song on this album is wonderful. Vernon sounds less the forlorn lover here, more the man having achieved grace, and moving on. What else could you ask for? Check this album out.

Also- if you can't get behind the final track, 'Beth/Rest', after the first 5 seconds, there's something wrong with you. Amazing.

Feelin' like a space brain

2011-10-16T15:35:00.002-05:00

Post night-shift.

Pre night-shift.

One more left...then no more night shifts until Thanksgiving I think.

Bunch of things I mean to blog about...a new book...Occupy Wall Street...but this must wait until my circadian rhythms are reset.

I'm on the Night Train

2011-10-15T12:46:00.003-05:00

Guh.

I'm one shift through a stretch of 3 night shifts. Thankfully, I only work 3-4 nights each month, though they usually are in a row and they are always on weekends.

I hate night shifts. Here's why-

1. I don't sleep well during the day. Consequently, I get very little sleep the day before my first night shift (meaning I crash around 2-3 AM in the hospital). Very predictably, I fall right asleep when I get home and wake up 3-4 hours later and cannot fall asleep again. I just got up, after 4 hours of sleep and 1 hour of staring at the bedroom ceiling and reading Huff Post on my phone. How do you think I will feel tonight at 2-3 AM? Terrible. (note: this is partially a consequence of my bedroom, which has a stinking skylight. Know how much ambient light a skylight will transmit on a sunny day? IT'S LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS.)

2. The ridiculous things that have people rushing into the ED take on a heightened ludicrosity at 3 AM. As in, "You came to the ED- presumably got out of bed and drove here with your spouse and kids in tow- for THIS?". Here's a sampling of some patient chief complaints that I administered life-saving 'emergency' care for last night between 1 and 6 AM:

- 'cold symptoms'
- 'urinary tract infection'
- 'back pain since 2007'
- 'i have this rash'
- 'reaction to medication' (this lady was the BEST- she had already been seen in the ED the previous day, had a huge workup for some nonspecific symptoms, nothing found but a UTI for which ciprofloxacin (an antibiotic) was prescribed. She represented to me at 2 AM because she felt the cipro was making her 'shaky'- whenever she said this, she would hold her hands up in front of her face and voluntarily shake them in a furious manner)

3. There's something terribly isolating about driving into work when the majority of the population is coming home from the job. This might be the worst part of working weekend nights. Yesterday, I ran several errands, and every time somebody told me to 'have a nice weekend' I wanted to say, "Actually, today is like a Tuesday morning in my job".

Enough of the ranty-rant. Now I feel better.

Not Exactly Newsworthy At This Point, But...

2011-10-14T15:58:00.004-05:00

Okay, so this happened a couple weeks ago and er'body already knows about it, but might as well put the pics of the actual process up. Leviticus, by the way - such nice guys, very very cool experience.

I only waited about 6 years after we came up with the idea. Somewhere Anna has a pic of the tat that would nicely tie this post together, so maybe - if she ever even READS this post - she can add the pic for me???

Fun times, fun times.

Nevermind, found it in the "trash" on my 'puter. Boom.

Hey Sexy, Yeah, You Know Who You Are...

2011-10-12T11:48:00.002-05:00

Hey Sugar, I've been watching you. Ya nah whada mean? I know you've been missing me like an upset stomach misses bad food, you dig? Well, I ain't one to beat around the bush, even though I am pretty manicured with surround sound, so I'm just going to level with you like a carpenter to a shelving unit. What I'm trying to barf up is, WE NEED EACH OTHER! You need my glorious ability to take an object from you into my insertion area & visually & audibly excrete such an amazing experience that you keep "c**ming" back for more.

So, Mr. Jacob Daniel Valento, shall we party in the basement again? I'll take care of you like I did back in the Spring of 2011.

Love,

Mrs. Kipling DVD Player

p.s. - ready when you are!

Future Islands, Where Were You When I Needed You

2011-10-11T13:27:00.004-05:00

Future Islands - Before the Bridge by thrilljockey

Future Islands, you brilliant Baltimore threesome, you. First let me say that your album "In Evening Air" from last year made my top ten. Thanks for that. But, so that was the beginning of last year, and then there was the shitty second half...Where the hell were you when I needed you most? When I was really hurting?

Surely you're aware that this forthcoming album of yours that you call "On the Water" is one of the best break-up albums ever? Was that your intention? And not only that, but it's not a sad, weepy "For Emma For Ever Ago" let's-all-sit-around-and-cry-about-our-feelings type of sad, it's joyfully sad. I mean, when you write lyrics like -

"And if things hadn't changed,
I would have buried you deep in my arms.
And if things had stayed the same,
I would have carried you as far as the stars..."

- it makes a guy sad, especially to hear you sing it the way you do. But then you go ahead and put this ridiculously awesome New Order bass line behind it, and some sparkling synths, and suddenly it's the happiest sad song I've ever heard. In fact, I haven't listened to a song so many times in one day in years, literally, years.

So, if you could: next time I'm going through a total bummer of a break-up that is going to last over a year, could you maybe time it out just so, so that I've got something like this to enjoy and help me put a positive spin on things?

Thanks, Future Islands. I'll see you at The Entry soon.

xo

JDV

Music From "Drive"

2011-10-10T14:54:00.004-05:00

College feat. Electric Youth - A Real Hero by College

Thought I'd post a piece of one of the many memorable aspects of the movie "Drive," the soundtrack. Say what you will about this film's awkward lack of tangible human emotion throughout, not to mention the often overstated style and narcotic, jagged (but wonderful) tone and pacing of the film. This director knows how to use music in a story, and this song should remind anybody who's seen it of two particular scenes, the second of which miraculously comes close to being genuinely sad.

By All Means

2011-10-09T11:17:00.001-05:00

I mean, yeah, I GUESS we can share the pillow, River, even though there's a whole 'nother one over there, not to mention like 5 more feet of bed...but...yeah, sure, I guess so.

Slave Ambient

2011-10-06T10:37:00.003-05:00

If you guys have not listened to The War On Drugs' latest album (Jake, I know, you gave me the album so, yeah), check it out. It's the same type of open-roady, Springsteenesque fare as their first full length album (the little-noticed Wagonwheel Blues, also excellent). Apparently Kurt Vile did not contribute to the production of this album, but it remains a great listen. Very accessible. I wonder why these dudes are not more popular.

In case you don't remember, The War On Drugs was that band that opened for Destroyer at that small concert we attended in the spring. You know, the one where the audience was kind of lame and the Destroyer guy looked REALLY depressed until he finished chugging his 8th beer towards the end of the set.

yBaOhOtOzOeMe

2011-10-03T15:21:00.013-05:00

One day in a rainbow bad antenna day dream I was having I saw Bud & Anna sitting next to each other. Was this a vision or reality or what? I need to figure out why this is happening. I called Jake up and told him of my troubles. He seemed puzzled...

I explained it to him one more time & he kept saying, "huh? wha? There is too much static on this end, I can't hear you, I don't like traffic, I'm afraid to get a table at the Birchwood Cafe, and I'm with Dave right now, can I call you back!"

I said fine with that. I'll figure it out on my own. Maybe its just me. So I closed my eyes again, and wished away that vision. "WTF" I said to myself, "now Bud & Anna are somewhat transparent in the galaxy or bad Pink Floyd light show or something. This is horrible, what do I do, I need to stop getting these visions."

I immediately called Jake back and told him again what was going on with me. He said (in a nasally voice because his nose is all messed up even though he'll tell you its his allergies), "Dude, you are so strange, lay off the R&B music, learn how to change a tire on your bicycle, and relax." I could tell he was cracking up at me. I got angry.

I was like, fine, Jake doesn't get it. I'll call Dave even though I know Dave is sitting right next to him. I'll explain to Dave what is going on with me and he'll understand. So I called Dave. He answered on the 4th ring, and before I even told him anything, he said, "Hey, Jake and I are in a bloody war, its hard to explain, I'll try to explain it quickly though, it's like red paint not really dripping but painted on to try and look like blood or look grungy, but I gotta go, I'll call you back." I didn't even get one word in. Tall people don't listen to short people, the distance is too far from the ear to the mouth.

Okay, so I never really thought my Braws (Bro-in-laws) would turn their back on me in my most desperate and scared hour, but two of them did. I figured Bud was working his shift, so I dialed up my wife to see where she was at and if she could help me. Coincidentally, she was also having visions. It was super loud when she was talking, she said it was because she was at the bus stop.

She hung up on me cuz she couldn't hear anything & because I told her I didn't pick up any dessert for after lunch and dinner. As a last resort, I called the Police. I told them someone or something is going on with me where I have visions of BUD & ANNA. They immediately said, "2 mins. ago we found a suspicious suspect at your dining room table hindering your ability to get yahtzee, we now have him in custody."

THAT'S IT! THE TWO MOTHERFU&KERS THAT MADE ME SCREAM BOOOOOOOOM at the dining room table were the same two in my visions. I'm starting to get it now. It was a reminder of getting my arse handed to me this past weekend in the sibling/dad Yahtzee game. It was Jerry who sat next to me and rubbed his bad luck of never getting Yahtzee on me. Gross. I'm never sitting next to him or Jacob again.

Anna came home, I eventually got her dessert, can't you just hear TAKE ON ME from A-HA right now?
HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE!

Fall Movie Preview - Various Trailers For You

2011-09-30T13:52:00.012-05:00

The Skin I Live In

The Descendants

The Mill & The Cross

3

J. Edgar

The Rum Diary

The Muppets

John Dies At the End

Melancholia

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

The Motherland

2011-09-27T21:01:00.004-05:00

Discovered this at work the other day...

Sibling Road Trip!!!

Something To Be Smug About

2011-09-24T17:25:00.003-05:00

See that? That's my smug look. I could have been much more theatrical about my smug look if I weren't at a crowded coffee shop right now.

The reason for my smuggery, though, goes a little something like this:

Today was Member Appreciation Day at Uppercut Gym where I box. It marks the one year anniversary of the first time I ever put on boxing gloves. Shannon and I wandered around the gym after our intro class and took it in, eating Lisa's homemade bbq chicken sandwiches. Now a year later, I've made some cool friends, gotten in great shape, been in the ring, been injured, administered injuries, and also work at the gym.

Well they were doing free body fat testing today. I had no intention of being tested, because like I give a shit. But the day was winding down and the lady doing the testing comes out of the little room she's doing it in and says "Okay, anybody else?" Somebody calls out "What's the lowest of the day?" And I say "What does it matter, I haven't been up there yet," which of course got a bunch of "oooohhh's."

She says it's 6.4%, which is low for any age I'm pretty sure. I go up there and she tests me. As she's calculating it she's like "Oh my, I think we have a new winner."

I walked out of the room, which incidentally was up next to Lisa's office above the desk, so everybody saw me come out, and I just pulled the biggest smug expression I could, while slowly pumping my fists, which got them all going "Ooohhhhh" again.

5.8%

And I'm not even trying.

/honestly, I think she must have tested me wrong, because her chart says the minimum for a male my age should be around 7%, meaning I'm, what, underweight? That's just not true, I'm not that thin and certainly not that toned...I just got lucky./

PP For AZ

2011-09-22T14:06:00.001-05:00

On the Bush Train

2011-09-22T10:50:00.009-05:00

Last night, my parents, Anna, & I went to see George W. Bush speak at our synagogue. Regardless of our/your political views, I can't think of a reason why one wouldn't take the opportunity to meet a former President of the United States, have a photo op with him, and listen to him speak off the record about numerous issues. Whether you agree with him or not, it was further education on his thought process and strategy, and more importantly, it was a chance to see him as a person instead of a political figure. I understand why he's the most critized & hated President we've ever had, I also understand why half the country worships him. However, I will not voice my opinion on any of these issues here, but I wanted to point out a few things that were of the non-obvious story telling nature.

(may I point out before this that the secret service were everywhere, they did a background check on everyone prior to the evening, they'd been at the synagogue all week prior to this, it was like from a movie).

First and foremost, something I didn't really take into consideration mainly because I thought it was under the radar was the extremist groups that were protesting outside. You have to be cool about protesters, they have the right to do it peacefully, and there always should be two sides to a coin. HOWEVER, from the moment we got out of our car to the bldg and from the moment we left the bldg to our vehicle, they were taking personal stabs at us. They had zero knowledge of who we were. They were completely misinformed as to who was attending this annual private speaker series.

Let's just start out by saying that the people attending were close to 50% non-Jewish from some of the local Fortune 500's in town, and of the 50% or more that were Jewish, I would say many, maybe even half, were not part of that particular synagogue's congregation. The event was a fundraiser, which of course you have to pay the speaker to come to town in order for people to pay crazy amounts to see him, but they raised a ton of money last night as they always do for their speaker series, and the funds go straight towards the children's programs & facilities. Let me not need to remind you that Bush will never need to worry about money, so whatever money he charged to speak is irrelevant, but the money that was raised is relevant. NOW, non of the protesters seemed to know any of this. They were seriously misinformed. They screamed at us, SHAME ON YOU, You Will Go To Hell, Bush Was in on 9/11, HAPPY ROSH HASHANA, "How Could you Pay that kind of Money to a Criminal," "How can you live with yourself bringing a criminal into your congregation" and Anna could tell you many more as they hit a nerve with her as they were throwing personal stabs too. However, they knew not of our political stance, they just needed a venue to vent in, and we were it, regardless of if we had more in common with them then the President (maybe not, just sayin). All the protesters were screaming at the top of their lungs and it was border line humorous, as they were barking up the wrong tree. If they had a problem with Bush, then that is whom they should be targeting their protesting on. Not the individuals whom came to see him speak, as they were a blend of all religions & political views. Misguided protesters = counter productive protesting, that sucks to be misguided with anger, oh well, I just wanted to point it out.

Now to another spin on the evening. We were in line to take photos in the main sanctuary. Picture any normal Church or Synagogue Sanctuary. You walk down one isle to the podium, where the photo studio was set up, you meet, shake hands, smile, photo with GW, and keep walking back down the opposite isle and out of the sanctuary. The doors were closed to the sanctuary. The Secret Service along with the Former President's staff were on point at all times. So it was Anna and I's turn to take a photo with him. He shakes our hand, compliments are youthful fashion & looks (yes, he was a bit charming and certainly didn't ignore my beautiful wife), we all put our arms around each other (I had to go under his arm because he's much taller than I thought, he's at least 6'1), and poof, picture taken, we move along like cattle. My parents were right behind us. It was their turn. Of course my mother immediately says to him "I'm the mom" of the young couple you just took photos with. They shared some comments about how we had a good gene pool or the like, and my father says to George something like "you are in pretty good shape & look good yourself, what are you doing, running?" and GW says "No, I'm a big mountain biker." My father than says "Well, you just missed your chance, as Adam makes bicycle apparel." At this point, Anna & myself are touching the door handle to leave the sanctuary, about 40 yds from them now. George stops the photo line, and yells across the sanctuary

GW: "Adam, you didn't tell me you made bike apparel."
Me: "I didn't know you were a big cyclists or I would have." (I yell back in front of everyone)
GW: "You should get me some & I'll wear it"
Me: "No problem, just have your people contact my people and we'll figure something out" I said jokingly, and we left the sanctuary.

Before the sanctuary door even closed, a dude popped out and grabbed us and says, "I'm his people" and hands me his business card that is from The Office Of George W. Bush. He said, contact me and we'll buy some of your gear. So I emailed him this morning and he already responded. I'll keep you posted as to what happens with that. Funny though, right?

SO I GET TO MY OFFICE THIS MORNING AROUND 9amish. Immediately upon my arrival, the office shakes from a train going by. The tracks are right across the street from our office, so this is a common occurrence once or twice a day. However, they shaking never stopped. It continued for like 20mins, so I went outside to look at what was going on and I couldn't believe what I saw. I don't know if it was what it appeared to be, but this is what I saw when I went out there.

The two freight trains were on the same line, heading in each others direction, completely stopped, about 50yds away from each other. They sat there for over 2 hours. I'm pretty sure trains have emergency alarms etc.. for times like these, and if their emergency alarms went off and they all hit their breaks, there was 50yds between it working and it being the top news story of the month in Mpls. I could be wrong. It was seriously strange.

and yes, I did just post... can't wait to see the full brothren line-up in Mpls soon!

Article

2011-09-19T11:38:00.002-05:00

Quick blost here- and I know Sarah Palin is a four-letter word in these parts. But there's a very interesting article in the Atlantic about her time as Alaska's governor. Seems that at one point she was actually...effective? Worked with Democrats?? Of course her personality flaws eventually derailed her political career, and have assumed center stage recently; hence the social conservative wingnut we've grown to love to hate. Apparently 'twas not always so...

Dave, Can I Have This?

2011-09-15T09:22:00.002-05:00

Or do you want me to send back the Yerba Mate that I will never drink yet somehow made it to my house in Cincinnati with the rest of my dishes and kitchen etceterata?

Fortunately I didn't end up with any of that bacteria tea that the rest of Valentos seem to enjoy.

/grost

Anna, Can I Have This?

2011-09-14T13:31:00.001-05:00

What did we learn?

2011-09-14T09:16:00.005-05:00

I'm sure none of you guys watched the CNN/Tea Party debate- for the Valento-Ziskins, this would be akin to dripping salt-laced lemonade directly into your eyes. I did check out CNN's live blog of the event to read about the crazy rhetoric.

1. Not one of the GOP candidates has a specific plan about how to balance the budget.

Oh, you can bet the candidates were all over the general platitudes about the need to 'cut spending':

Gingrich: "We need to cut government waste"
Perry: "Stop the growth of federal government"
Paul: "Cut the Department of Energy, cut the Department of Education"
Bachmann: "We have to be an ownership society with individual responsibility...repeal Obamacare...it's really not that hard to try, you just have to have the backbone to do it"

However, not a SINGLE candidate stated that they would repeal the Medicare prescription drug benefit- a MASSIVE government expenditure implemented under GW Bush. This is the same old tired thing from the GOP- endless talk about cutting spending, but refusing to get specific when it might cost you votes. Where's that backbone, Bachmann?

2. Perry's biggest weaknesses with the Tea Party, unsurprisingly, are his policies that actually make sense.

Perry was attacked for 2 specific mandates during his governorship- the executive order requiring teenage girls to get the HPV vaccine, and the DREAM act that allowed some help for children of undocumented immigrants to attend college. Bachmann, an increasingly irrelevant candidate, was especially vicious about both of these. The HPV vaccine is an attempt to prevent cervical cancer- the HPV virus is implicated in the majority of this disease. As such it is akin to any other vaccine. Bachmann stated that she was 'humiliated' for the women that had to undergo such a terrible thing...by extension, she surely is humiliated for every parent of every child, ever, that was required to vaccinate their kid in order to attend school. It's not surprising because Bachmann is as anti-science as they come, staying true to her conservative roots. As for the DREAM act, this was one of the few moments where Perry sounded like a decent person:

Perry: "In the state of Texas, if you're working and pursuing citizenship, you pay in-state tuition and it doesn't matter how you last name sounds"

/polite applause from the Valentos

Bachmann: "That's not the American way"
Santorum: "What Perry's done is give illegal immigrants scholarships"

/sound of chainsaw revving

God, these 2 make me so angry. Right, Bachmann- the American way is to be as isolationist as possible, to distrust any non-white non-Christian non-heterosexual person and generally make their lives as difficult as possible, then complain that they aren't doing enough for this country. THAT's the Tea Party American Way. As for Santorum, this guy is such a meaningless addition to these debates it's curious why even participates. He's even further to the right than Bachmann and has mastered the uniquely Tea Party craft of distorting any policy he disagrees with to appear as if it is repressing the put-upon white Christian majority. I fucking hate that dude, but what can you do.

3. There is a chilling undercurrent of barely repressed intolerance and racism to the Tea Party that cannot, should not be ignored.

We saw it during the first debate when the crowd applauded at the mention of Perry's historic execution rate. We saw it again during this debate when the candidates were asked if a 30 year-old uninsured man who had suffered horrific injuries should be left to "die on the streets"- several members of the crowd actually cheered and yelled "yes!". This frightening intolerance is hard to imagine or to justify, but it is a direct consequence of the the Tea Party/GOP's constant rhetoric that the hard-working, white, middle class American is having his country 'taken away' by a lazy welfare class that is 'gaming the system'. I know many conservative folk here in Cincinnati, and they are largely normal until you mention anything related to the government...then they get this weird crazy gleam in their eye and start frothing about welfare and 'get a job' and 'my taxes pay for your abortion' this and that. Of course, there is no data to back this up. The Tea Party is taking advantage of this ignorance. It's pretty fucking scary.

Speaking of healthcare...Bachmann had another ridiculous thing to say about this:

"No state should be able to force anyone to buy anything. This is the election that's going to decide if we have socialized medicine in this country or not".

Hoo boy, here we go again. Socialism! Naturally all of the candidates- Romney included, who passed his own universal coverage law in Massachusetts- favor repealing Obamacare, because of the idea that requiring folks to buy health insurance is 'socialism' and clearly not the American way. However...if you think about it...the current system (prior to Obamacare), so cherished by the GOP, doesn't require anyone to buy insurance...so if you are uninsured and need medical attention, you have to go to the emergency room for care...naturally you will probably be unable to afford this care...and those costs are passed on to healthcare consumers in the form of higher insurance premiums. I.e., we (the insured) are paying for those who cannot afford health care. Is this not a form of socialism? Please note- I really have no problem with this, I am glad to pay higher insurance premiums if it somehow helps those less fortunate than myself.

4. Occasionally, Ron Paul says something totally reasonable. Universally, when he does, he is attacked for it.

You kind of have to love Ron Paul...he has no chance of getting elected, so he says whatever he wants and doesn't have a problem knowing that he's alienating a lot of the people who are supposed to vote for him. He's like Herman Cain with a functioning brain. Anyway, here's Paul:

Paul: "I'm tired of all the militarism we're involved in and wasting this money...we're under great threat because we occupy so many countries"

/applause from Valentos

Santorum: " On your Web site on 9/11, you had a blog post that basically blamed the United States for 9/11. On your Web site, yesterday, you said that it was our actions that brought about the actions of 9/11. That is irresponsible. Someone who is running for the president of the United States in the Republican Party should not be parroting what Osama bin Laden said on 9/11. We are not being attacked because of our actions."

Paul: "As long as this country follows that idea, we're going to be under a lot of danger. This whole idea that the whole Muslim world is responsible for this, and they're attacking us because we're free and prosperous, that is just not true."

God, I just want to fucking hug Ron Paul sometimes because he has the cahones to say things like that. Fucking YES, we were attacked because of our foreign policy in the Middle East. Yes, that is directly from Osama Bin Laden, he himself stated that our intervention in places like Palestine led to the 9/11 attacks. It fucking KILLS me when ignorant, head-in-sand 'patriots' like Santorum claim that terrorist attacks occur only because extremist Muslims are pissed about our 'freedoms' and our quality of life and the heresy of our big-titted cheerleaders and MTV. Extremist Muslims hate Americans because Americans pursue policies that kill or repress Muslims. I don't agree with their actions at all but I certainly don't believe that al Qaeda has a vendetta against me and mine just because of the privileges I enjoy as an American.

5. Again, Bachmann is increasingly irrelevant as a candidate.

This is probably the only thing about these debates that is comforting...soon enough we will be done with this person. This has clearly become a two-horse race between Perry and Romney, and Bachmann's strategy seems to be to attack the front runner as hard as she can (in this case, Perry) and drape herself in the American flag. That's gonna win some Tea Party votes but it will never lead to a nomination. She has absolutely no concrete policies to discuss. She's even insufferable with questions that normally garner lighthearted responses:

Q: What would you bring to the White House if you were president?

Perry: My beautiful wife Anita
Paul: Common sense...a course in economics
Cain: A sense of humor
Huntsman: my Harley Davidson
Bachmann: Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, the Consitution

/groan

Me and Lorenzo

2011-09-11T14:21:00.004-05:00

Here you can see, hopefully, how I've gotten a little better since the last time I put up video of me boxing. You can also see that sparring a 17 year-old with several fights under his belt apparently makes me nervous. When I'm nervous, I am tense and don't throw enough punches. There are small passages of good boxing here, but it's mostly Lorenzo messing with me.

At one point, Lisa called out "Don't overthink it!" Which was exactly what I was doing. The key is to relax in there, stay loose, stay busy. Still, every time I get these rounds on tape (thanks to Heidi, my friend and trainer), I go home and watch it, pick one thing to do differently next time, and then I do it. You wouldn't believe how much better I'm getting day by day in there. I'm in the middle of a really steep learning curve.

Look how relaxed and fluid Lorenzo is, and how busy he is. He probably out-throws me 3:1. By the way, he's the nicest kid ever.

Still, it was a good stepping stone for me; I remember when I first joined the gym, with no intention of ever sparring, and watching Lorenzo in the ring, thinking "that guy's super good, I'd hate to have to get in there with him."

What is up with these commercials?

2011-09-09T12:43:00.004-05:00

You've probably seen one or two of these harmless (yet insufferable) commercials on TV. The purpose seems to be a plea for Americans to generally be nice and decent. Because I am a deeply cynical person, I figured there must be something INSIDIOUS behind such a message. So I looked into it.

The commercials are sponsored by values.com and The Foundation For A Better Life. The website is not very informative...it's more or less a hyper-linky site suggesting "Hey! Be nice! Yessss!! Be positive!!". Then I punched my desk.

So I thought, well what's up with the Foundation's main financier, Philip Anschutz??

Ah...thanks Wikipedia! He's an evangelical Christian and entrepreneur, a billionaire that made fortunes through the oil business and other investments. I guess he uses his money now to promote highly Christian, highly in-your-face niceties. Anschutz' profile is like every other prominent Christian evangelical you've encountered:

- Founded the Institute for American Values, which campaigns against same sex marriage and single parenting.
- Funded Colorado for Family Values (CFV), the driving force behind Colorado's since-overturned Amendment 2- an ballot initiative designed to overturn state and local laws that prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
- Funds the Discovery Institute, a Seattle think-tank that promotes intelligent design and criticized evolution.
- Owns the conservative rag The Weekly Standard.
- Is a board member of the American Petroleum Institute, an organization which effectively killed the Kyoto Protocol during Bush's time in office.

The positive slant on this is that Anschutz is your generic conservative Christian that is using his money to promote 'positive values'. The perhaps more negative/accurate view is Anschutz is a homophobic, anti-science, reactionary oil magnate that wouldn't mind shitting all over God's Green Earth if it helps the stock portfolios of his petroleum buddies.

Maybe he should shut the f**k up with his 'values' bit.

For those of you unable to make it through the cloying commercial, here is a frame-by-frame recap:

- dove spreading its wings
- person standing on hilltop with arms outstretched, so inspiring!
- little white girl peering into a camera, looking at...a plant?
- black people riding a bus
- sped up crowd action
- little Asian girl closing her eyes as Garth Brooks sings "When I clooose my eyes, I see...the waay this world shall beeee"
- aid worker driving a truck
- aid workers helping do...something? Sandbagging a flooding river?
- aid workers distributing food
- aid truck
- aid worker? Lifting someone out of a house?
- two holding hands, ohhh so powerful!
- Hassidic Jew at Western Wall, I think
- Muslims praying
- guy building a house
- another guy building a house
- poor African kids getting food
- close-up of poor kid eating some bread, so sad!
- Lincoln Memorial (fuck yeah America!)
- CLOSE UP OF LINCOLN MEMORIAL FUCK YESSSSS
- another close-up of little white girl
- aid camp
- refugee camp
- sped up action of house building
- helicopter
- loading grain/rice onto said helicopter
- Indian woman smiling, so ethnic!!
- smiling African kids in a school
- little hands holding seeds or grain
- distributing food to poor kids again, sad!
- hurricane- scary!
- flood- scary guys!
- aid workers digging some dirt
- ethnic poor people walking
- close up of teacher writing the work 'teach' on a blackboard (so inspi...what?)
- building another goddam house
- flood victims walking through knee-high water
- marathon runners (legs only) (why??)
- aerial view of NYC marathon (i think)
- very diverse array of people holding hands together (so symbolic you guys!)
- ohhh, a monk giving the camera the 'peace' sign!
- ohhhh, someone driving a pickup truck giving the camera the same 'peace' sign!!
- OHHHHH A CUTE LITTLE GIRL GIVING THE CAMERA THE FUCKING PEACE SIGN!!! (/head explodes)
- people lighting candles
- inspirational shot of some shirtless person, from behind, raising arms in triumph during a sunrise/sunset over the ocean
- little kids holding hands and skipping, i shit you not
- black people dancing on the subway (the music is really going now, you go garth)
- diverse array of people dancing
- candlelight vigil, we shall be free
- dove spreading its wings- full circle!

YEAH!! DIVERSITY!! POSITIVE VALUES!! EXCEPT FOR THE GAYS, FUCK THOSE QUEERS!! YEAAH!! GO AMERICA!! GO AND BUY YOU SOME GAS!!!

/now you don't have to watch it

Beyond the Border Trilogy

2011-09-06T09:12:00.002-05:00

"They lifted him onto the deck where he lay in his wet seersucker suit and his lemoncolored socks, leering walleyed up at the workers with the hook in his face like some gross water homunculus taken in trolling that the light of God's day had stricken dead instanter."

Good to have you back, McCarthy!

America's growing prescription drug addiction, in conversation

2011-09-05T17:54:00.004-05:00

Patient encounter I had last night with a ~30 year-old woman who came into the ED with her entire family (wife, husband, 2 kids) after they were in a VERY minor car accident (someone rear-ended them). I should mention that not one member of the family had a single scratch on their person. This was around 1 AM.

Me: So, what happened?
Patient: We were in an accident...(very gravely)...he messed us up.
Me: What happened, exactly?
Patient: A drunk driver hit us.
Me: Hit you? Hit you where?
Patient: He hit us from behind...he messed us up (sighs).
Me: Do you mean, he rear-ended the car you were in?
Patient:...
Me: OK, so what hurts?
Patient: I just hurt...everywhere. My whole left side.
Me: The entire left side of your body?
Patient: Just...(vaguely gestures at left arm, shoulder, back)
Me. (sigh) Do you have any medical problems?
Patient: I have a bad back...a lot of disc problems. I take Vicodin for that.
Me:(sigh)
Me: OK. Well you really don't appear to have any serious injuries. You don't need any X-rays or anything. You just need to take some ibuprofen, get some rest, you'll be fine.
Patient: Well...I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. And ibuprofen just isn't going to help. It doesn't work for me.
Me: I understand, but I don't prescribe anything stronger than that for minor car accidents.
Patient: I told you, I take Vicodin for pain.
Me: I surely don't prescribe narcotics for minor car accidents.
Patient: So, you're just going to let me be in pain? You're supposed to help me.
Me: I have no problem prescribing you some ibuprofen or you can buy it at the drugstore. That's what I would take if I was in your position.
Patient: I'm out of Vicodin and I want you to refill it.
Me: You can call your doctor tomorrow if you want someone to refill your narcotics, but we will not be prescribing them here.
Patient: (laughs sarcastically) I'm not going to waste my doctor's time with that.
Me:...
Patient: That's why YOU GUYS are here. You're supposed to help for stuff like this.
Me: You've received an assessment from a physician, you have no serious injuries, and you're free to go.
Patient: I'll be calling your supervisor tomorrow, I'm calling the fucking CEO of this hospital.
Me: Excellent. I know him well.

...

My PA (physician assistant) had the exact same conversation with the patient's husband. Basically they demanded narcotic pain meds after being in a car accident that none of us would even consider going to the hospital, had we experienced it. They both screamed at us the whole way out the door. I felt bad for their kids, but those kids are fucked...with parents like that, they will undoubtably develop substance abuse problems of their own.

There is a huge and growing epidemic of prescription drug abuse in this country. We are on the front lines in the emergency department. In many EDs, physician salaries and bonuses are significantly affected by patient satisfaction scores (also known as 'Press-Ganey' scores), and there is a mandate by the Joint Hospital Accreditation Committee Organization (the hateful JHACO) for us to adequately treat pain...yet deaths are rising every year because of overdose on prescription narcotics (Vicodin, Percocet, OxyContin, Norco, etc) and some physicians have been sued for OVERprescribing! It's a shitty position to hold, but such is life in the American health care system.

My advice is to stay away from prescription narcotics. They are appropriate for certain types of pain (post-surgical, fractures, etc) but they are highly addicting. Man, we see so many sad cases in the ED of once-normal people who bounce from ER to ER trying to get these drugs. The problem is only going to get worse.

Premature Album Of The Year - Fucked Up: David Comes To Life

2011-09-05T11:41:00.005-05:00

It doesn't hurt that the name of the central character in Fucked Up's latest album is my own (the BEST name EVER). I know there are some months left in the year. Some. A few. I could be mistaken, but I am pretty sure David Comes To Life is my favorite album of 2011. Let's explore!

David Comes To Life is a concept album about a guy, David, who works in a light bulb factory, leading a life of boredom and sadness. One day, on his way into the ol' factory, he meets a girl, Veronica, who is handing out leftist pamphlets. It is love at first sight. It completely changes David's life. He know has something to live for. Not long into their budding romance, Veronica is killed in a political bombing. David, obviously, is crushed. The album brings us through his ups and downs of coping with his love. It is a goddamn beautiful story. You can read the entirety of it here.

I just want to sample a few songs for ya'll, in case you have not heard the luscious tones of this work. I'm assuming none of you have. I don't know how much hardcore punk you have in your iTunes libraries. It's hard to categorize these guys as anything else, although I don't believe they're fully "hardcore punk". More of a hybrid between that and just rock (plus how many hardcore punk bands have three guitarists? None? I think it's none.). The one thing to point out though is that the lead singer just yells/screams. He doesn't sing. So if you can't get past that, you won't like these guys. I hated his voice for several months but I just kept on listening to them (their gorgeous and highly acclaimed last album, Chemistry Of Common Life). On this new album, the girl sings on a few tracks, which makes for a great contrast. Here's the opening song:

Fucked Up - Queen Of Hearts by snipelondon

This is where they meet. The female member in the band, playing Veronica, shares the vocals here. You just don't hear lyrics like this in other hardcore punk bands. "Hello, my name is David, your name is Veronica, let's be together, let's fall in love. Hello, my name is David, your name is Veronica - let's be together, until the stars go out." The guitar over these lyrics is epic. Damnit this song just jacks me up in such a POSITIVE way. Love it.

This is a great video, following along the story of the song. They put out a video for the other song above (Queen Of Hearts) but it didn't have anything to do with the story. It's actually a great school of rock video, kids in the classroom yelling the lyrics back and forth (girls and guys). But that's that song, this is this song (great sentence). This is The Other Shoe. The tag line to this song is Happiness Always Comes With A Price, as David is just waiting for something bad to happen, now that he has finally found love. The other guy walking around in the video is Octavio, the narrator (they can't see him). Check it.

Turn The Season, another song with great lyrics. This is the ending lyrics to this song, after Veronica has been killed: "He knows that death is part of life, he would have made that girl his wife. Now there's only darkness, there is no dawn, now that she's gone. (And he said) "I have never been as happy as I am today", (but then the seasons turned and the darkness came) "so when it all falls apart I will have peace in my heart" (try to think of the healing that comes out of the pain). "Try to redeem myself for my mistakes in advance", (the sun will always shine after the rain) "I know that when I fall down I'll get another chance" (just wipe away the tears and try again)." GodDAMNIT that is so beautiful.

Fucked Up - Ship Of Fools by mjvisme

Ship Of Fools, this is probably my favorite song on the album. This comes way later in the album, where the narrator of the story, Octavio, is exposed to David and they "spar" in a side story. Great guitar on this song.

I Was There - Fucked Up by Martan

I Was There, another great guitar song. Just more goddamn great lyrics. This is the part of the story where another character, Vivian, tells David about how she was there when the bomb went off and explains it to him: "I have the same scars from when part of me died, but I lived and came out on the other side. The sorrow is worth the redemption you'll feel, life spins like a wheel and you start to heal. I saw the mind of my first love destroyed, the detonation that pulled him into the void. I watched from the side as the madness evolved, like you I'm a witness and can't get involved. Tattooed to my mind, frozen in time, a bomb in his hand, glass turning to sand. One union dissolves as another is made, powder to spark to brilliance to dark. The paper corrupts the pavement to erupt, screams from streets shatters the peace. Silence from sound, then confusion to calm, a fire dawned and then she was gone. Remember the girl. I was there."

Seeing these guys in a few months. I'll probably cry. And mosh. Good ol' mosh cry.

Back in the Saddle

2011-09-04T11:15:00.007-05:00

Back into sparring the last couple weeks after about 2 months off. Weird part is, the cut on the inside of my nose is healing much faster now that I'm sparring again (and it's getting punched). Just leaving it alone did jack squat for it. But now it's like 75% healed in a couple weeks. Crazy.

This guy who I sparred yesterday has intimidated me for a long time, because back in February when I started getting in the ring, he was only allowed to spar with the instructor because he apparently knocked somebody out during Drills (which is like sparring for beginners). He throws his right with all he has. And he's kind of fearless, he'll get in the ring with anybody, literally anybody. Nice as hell, though.

Yesterday he asked me to do a couple with him since he's been out of the ring for a while, so I decided to go ahead and give it a shot. It went surprisingly well. I landed punches at will (see pics below) while I'm pretty sure he hit me about twice in two rounds. I was going easy, too, mostly because he doesn't really have his ring lungs back yet. I have this on tape, but the radio was super loud in the background and so the video is annoying as hell to watch. So I just pulled some still images from the two rounds.

As you can see, my cover is shit - I had already worked out and was about to leave when he asked me to spar, so my arms were super tired. But it really didn't matter.

In the end, though, we're all still friends:

Crazy thing happened afterward, by the way: I come out of the locker room to leave and he's sparring a couple rounds with Steve, who is this grizzled salty bulldog who's been boxing for 30 years and is just a wily brawler. He'll spar anybody and is really nice, works with you in the ring, offers advice, etc. (I'll have to get some video of me sparring Steve, it always gets a little hairy). Anyway, I look over and Steve's on the canvass! He gets up and proceeds to piss pound this guy until the bell rings. I walk over and I'm like "Steve, you okay? You trip on his foot or something?" (very common when you're sparring a lefty, your feet get tangled, I tripped on Heidi's foot the other day and fell). And he's like "No, he knocked me down with his right." Then in the next round Steve knocked HIM down.

Funny part is, I had introduced them before we sparred, because I couldn't believe they hadn't ever been in the ring together. I said "I'm gonna do a couple with him and then he's all yours, Steve. Watch out for his right." Never seen anybody get knocked down while sparring, and then these two knock one another down in back to back rounds. Crazy.